mother's day. may 9th.

all the hallmark holidays have always bothered me.

i do like mother's day, though. i feel like moms are underappreciated, and that they have every right to their own special day.

my sister and i were running around this morning, hauling luggage around before our mother's day lunch.

when we got back to pick up mom and dad, we ended up just laying around and talking for a while. we grabbed yellow roses from a guy in the middle of the road.

and i thought, how brilliant to capitalize on people's forgetfulness.

i mean, my mom would have been empty handed if he hadn't been in that intersection.

when we walked in and gave her the flowers, she had something behind her back.

she got us both cards, and got us both a present. matching presents.

talk about feeling like a shit daughter!

on mother's day, mom got us presents. usually aubree knows just what to get. for father's day too. and i just give her money to go in on a nice present.

but this year, because they were here, we didn't do anything.

except spend time with her, which is what she says she wants.

anyways, so we opened our little jewelry boxes. and there was a little diamond necklace inside. it's really quite pretty.

they only had two, so mom didn't even have one to match.

and i opened the card and read the card itself, and started to cry, so i left the room when i saw that she had written a letter to me inside.

it was beautiful. the most real thing my mom has ever written to me. i had to stop a couple of times because i couldn't read the words through my tears.

she wrote about how strong i am. and how things are hard right now, but that they won't always be.

i don't know. i want to re-read it. it was really just amazing. my sister wouldn't even read hers because she didn't want to cry, and knew that she would.

we had family lunch, which was nice. and then i took aubree to the airport. and somehow, i didn't break down.

i think because we were talking about my trip home, so it didn't feel like saying goodbye for long. she'd forgotten that i was coming home so soon.

and then it was just me and the parents. and i had some returns to deal with, so we went out shopping. again.

and handled everything.

kit met up with us at ikea, which was a nice break in my day, i'm sure it did her some good, too.

and then my parents came back and helped me with the apartment. mom cleaned things i hadn't gotten to yet. finished unpacking the kitchen and putting things away for me.

dad hung all of my curtain rods and curtains.

once they leave tomorrow, i'll be able to really get everything in its place and cleaned up and have my fresh start.

i feel so much better than i did a week ago. and despite the stress of them being here, i really have calmed myself down as far as the divorce stuff goes.

i think that knowing i'm going to get back to work is helping right now, and knowing that i will really have a fresh start here, and that the work of moving is done and over with.

i also feel myself slipping out of manic mode again. and i'm sure that once things are quiet again, and that i am alone again, i will fall into my more depressive state. talking to ever either tomorrow or thursday will affect that, too.

but i slept well, last night.

i had amazing dreams.

i was dreaming that i was watching the leonid shower. it was the best one that had ever been seen. or was forecast to be.

so no one was working. everyone was watching.

i don't know where the dream was taking place. i think it was back home. but kit was there.

and there was this whole thing where i knew coffee was watching, but somehow wasn't slated to watch with him, but ended up where he was.

and just staring at the sky and watching this craziness right above us. unlike anything i'd ever seen. the way that it looked was more like comets sailing around, but at very close proximity. and the sky was just freaking out.

and just like the way that you can see a point of origin in a good shower, this had super concentrated sectors of the sky that the meteors were spraying out of and across.

because of avatar, i knew i'd have crazy dreams. and had a clue that they would involve the sky. honestly, i thought that i'd have an end of the world nightmare, because of how the sky looked in the movie. it is the way i see the sky in dreams sometimes.

in any case, the dream was nice. and intense. and it was just this completely different life that i was living.i think my friend ashley was there, too.

it felt good to dream about the sky in a positive way. it was very exciting.

and i've been thinking alot about dark sky park in august, which is also probably where this is coming from as well.

that trip is going to be so life-altering for me. i cannot wait to go. i cannot wait to see how i feel on the other side of it.

after the post-family bender i intend to go on, starting tomorrow, i think that i will be able to think more about myself. think more about my life and my future. think more about how i'm going to accomplish things.

think more about my new five year plan. think about what i want to do with my life.

i have so many plans that relate to travel. i intend to take at least five vacations.

first, kit's birthday trip our favorite brewery.

then home in june/july.

then to dark sky park.

then to grandma's in august.

then the west coast trip in maybe october. maybe november. i don't know when. i have to try to coordinate with at least four people on that side of the country, so it depends on that, i guess. i really want to go, but don't know how i'm going to squeeze that in.

then i want to go home for christmas. for the first time in seven years. i love christmas at home.

at some point, i want to go to canada. i don't know if i should work that into the west coast trip or do it on this side of the country.

it's like having one vacation for every year that i was married and never went anywhere.

next summer, i have a double vacation i want to take.

one is to visit a friend in berlin, with my sister.

the other is to go to iceland.

or i could scrap both of those in exchange for my dream vacation to paris.

i just don't know. until i get a passport, the point is moot.

but all i'm thinking is that i won't have the extra money to pay off the credit card, because i'm going to be docking my pay to go and see and do everything i want to do.

but in any case... that was nice.

i like thinking about things in an illogical, fantastical way. daydreaming at night.

it's the perfect way to attempt to fall asleep.

i've missed traveling. i've missed seeing far away friends. i can't wait to go back to the west coast. i can't believe it's been seven years.

this new life, with new priorities, is going to be a good thing.

i think i'll define it as a success when i go away and come back, and like the life i come back to as much as the one far from home, because i do not like the sense of dread i've had, returning to my life the last few times i flew home.

i hope that ditching ever will help with the lack of that feeling.

i always felt so tied down. and now i feel like i am free to decide what to do. i don't have to consider anyone else's wants and needs when i think about packing a bag and taking off.

it's time for sleep. the sea dog is almost gone, and now i've been awake so long i'm hungry again...

No comments:

Post a Comment