dust storm. may 8th.

nina says i need to remember the name of the blog. and get some sleep.

i guess the thing is that it's not that i want to be awake.

and if i changed the name for my life right now it would be

not enough coffee. write too much. no sleep. repeat.

and if i made it reflect the four priorities dominating my life right now, it would be called

insomnia. stress. worry. think.

it doesn't have the same ring to it...

in any case...

today was crazy. again.

from where i left off last night. i got two vanfuls of disappointed girls lost, after the bakery fiasco.

told them to get on the wrong interstate and they ended up in the northern part of the city.

eventually made it back safely.

woke up today to mom and dad making breakfast in my kitchen.

my mom is the best. but she works too much. she will never take a proper vacation. she's been doing dishes since she got here. cooking in my foreign kitchen. i haven't even done that yet.

we got ready to go to the race, even though none of my sister's team was even in it.

we walked to kit's garage sale so she could get a mom hug and meet them, and so they could meet her.

it was cute, i tried to pull them away before my dad launched into one of his tangents.

it was windy. actually, that is an understatement. can it be blustery if it isn't cold? i should look it up, i suppose.

the wind was so bad that they cancelled the race.

because it is in a place that has both paved and dirt paths, there were dust storms. we were blanketed in dust every time the wind kicked up.

it was pretty. it coated everything in a silvery glitter. but also, grey dirt.

my face was dirty. my arms and legs were dirty. tonight when we each showered, grey water ran down the drain. it was insane, really. the wind was gusting to 55 miles per hour. people were holding down tents to keep them from flying away.

because my sister is in charge of the rental vans for the entire team, we went on this adventure to find a branch of my bank that was open on a saturday.

the only one i thought would be open wasn't. of course it was a 30 minute drive from the race course.

we are all pulling out all of this cash to pay for her rentals, because her bank isn't open and she didn't think of it yesterday when it was.

so we get as much cash as i could pull out. mom did the same.

aubree will do the same.

huge pain. but not really her fault.

anyway, so we went all the way back because the race was cancelled and got into my car with only mom and dad in tow.

went from there to the store my dad wanted to go to. again, with the 30 minute drives.

and he's telling me how to drive the entire time.

i'd really reached my breaking point. i like going for long drives with someone who trusts that i am both a good and a safe driver. who trusts that i know the streets where i live better than they do.

and he was relentless.

so i pulled over. and told him to drive.

i didn't have it in me to take any more.

and because i am my father's daughter, i got the silent treatment for the rest of that drive, and then some.

i cracked a few jokes at the hardware store so he would snap back. and he did.

i just told him, politely, that i was tired of driving. and it was stressing me out more than i already am. that i needed him to be in control and to drive.

and i'm sure it made him mad. but it also eliminated the problem, because then i could relax and let him drive the way he wanted me to.

it was actually liberating. i am glad i did it.

and then he drove the rest of the day.

so we came back to the grocery store, because i hadn't gone since i moved. and they tried to pay for my groceries but i didn't let them.

because i am an adult. and i can handle it.

in the middle of all of this, there were discussions about seeing ever.

my sister wanted to. my parents wanted to.

he texted my sister. and then my mom.

we were waiting until we knew what my sister did, so we could include her in the visit.

and it was on my mind all day.

i don't want to see him. i don't want my family to see him.

i don't know how to act. any way you look at it, it would be awkward.

but they love him. and i understand. i used to think that i loved him, too.

but the last two weeks have sucked that emotion right out of me.

they don't know about the roommate. they don't know about the dating site. because i don't want to hear it.

because i don't want to explain it.

so we were going to meet up tonight. and aubree couldn't. when mom asked him what time tomorrow, he said he's tied up tomorrow and monday, and that he can't.

so it's a win for me. because i don't have to see him.

but it also makes me think he's just saying that so he doesn't have to see them.

and like the tootsie roll tootsie pop, the world may never know.

we came home tonight. ate leftovers and watched avatar.

i knew going into it that it was a predictable recycled story. but they wanted to see it.

i liked parts of it. i liked the linking up of person to nature. i loved the things which looked like jellyfish. i liked the roots that transferred consciousness.

then i called nate. it had been too long. i'd been feeling like shitty friend.

i tend to seclude myself when i get in a rut, in order to not drag other people down. and i do it with him more than with anyone else, because he tends to feed off my energy more than anyone else.

only today, kit gave him a run for the money.

i've been transferring stress to her for the last chunk of a while. and when i escaped my parents after all that driving, i walked over to have a smoke with her and pick up my tv from my-your apartment.

i vented, she vented.

but she was talking and looking like me. stress. panic. all of it.

and i wish it was as easy for me to tell myself the things i told her.

i reminded her of all of the good things in her life that are coming from her move.

and that she should embrace being alone, because it is a good thing.

and that it create days that are lonely, but they are fleeting. and that it's better than what she was dealing with when she wasn't alone.

i tried to get to the bottom of what was stressing her out, but felt bad that i left a little prematurely, so my parents wouldn't feel like i abandoned part of my limited time with them.

there is both a tension and a release that comes from this time with my family.

my father and i used to really not get along. as an adult, i know how to make it work, but still am affected by him. mom is the peacemaker and the rock. she knows what i need, on an emotional level.

i was leaning on her when we were watching the movie. and she was rubbing my arm. it made me choke up for a second.

so outside of the car, we're fine. my dad is loud and outspoken all of the time. and sometimes it cracks me up, and sometimes it embarrasses me.

and it always shows me what i will be if i don't keep myself in check.

just like his mom, mean grandma.

it is technically mother's day.

i am so grateful for my mother.

even though i feel like we always break each other's hearts. it's in a tender way, not a hateful way.

this is where i came from. i am parts of both of them. i am the caretaker. i am stubborn. i am a baker. i am hardheaded.

growing up, i was just my dad. i'm glad that as an adult, i have taken on some of my mom as well.

balance is important.

i'm going to be asleep before three tonight. i am so excited!

the end of a blue moon will carry me to sleep. and sigur. and the fan blowing across the air mattress.

tomorrow i say goodbye to aubree. i'm not looking forward to it. i lose it every time.

no matter how frustrated i got this trip, because i selfishly wanted her to myself, despite the fact that she's here with her team. and that they are taking away from time i could spend with her.

sometimes i wish she would live with me. we just crack each other up, and there's no time to be sad when she's around.

but she's going back to school for the summer, and flies out tomorrow to then drive back to school two hours from home. and then to school on monday.

i will be home soon.

the end of the month.

it reminds me to think of my game plan with coffee. and brownies. and nina. and kit.

it's going to be so much fun. it's going to be so relaxing. it's going to be a long vacation.

and i'm already ready.

despite being ready to have my place to myself.

it's just different when i'm home.

and my mind wanders...

i hope i get what i want. i hope everything pans out.

i hope that i can put to rest things that have been awake and alive inside of me since i was nineteen. for once. and for all.

i hope i can arrange a little reunion again, with the people we missed the first time.

i hope i can make amends with brownies. and that we can talk about what came between us and how it made us feel.

i hope that kit likes my hometown.

i hope that i get quality nina time.

i hope that my family doesn't get upset when i spend time running around with friends as well as with them.

i hope that i have filed for divorce by that point in time.

the countdown to my longest vacation begins...

1 comment:

  1. What can I say to all of your posts? I can go line by line and tell you my thoughts, or indicate where I smiled, or nodded my head. But I will just say, instead, I love you. You're great. And I'm so glad to have this insight into you. And I can't wait to play. (And smoke. Don't tell.) Nina