ramen. may 23rd.

back to comfort foods, i guess.

i think i might be starting to slip a little. lose my mind a bit.

i'm not sure what is happening in my brain, but it goes something like this:

i have lost my ability to parallel park.

i am letting ever get to me. as in, psyche me out. he's being a dick, and he's saying things that i'm mostly certain are aimed at letting me know that his lawyer advised him to say it.

after he said on the phone that he would respond to my email (the one i posted with all the emotional bullshit), he didn't. today i got an email from him stating that he called me at 110pm on friday, may 21st, and that i did not return his call.

who does that?

he elected to put that in writing? i told nina today. i don't know how i was ever married to him! really... this person i'm interacting with right now? not recognizable as the same person. not in the least.

he's crossed the line from being a piece of shit husband to being a total douchebag. i don't like it. and there's nothing i can do about it.

i asked if one of his lawyers knows of a mediator so we can try to go about it that way. he didn't respond to that at all.

yesterday twice, and once today, i had an optical migraine. i don't know the last time i had one, it's probably been years. but it makes me very dizzy and disoriented. it only lasts for a second or two, but there's a lasting feeling that doesn't go away for a while. everything tumbles clockwise or counter-clockwise. kinda like when i drink way too much vodka.

today it happened at kit's. yesterday once when i was in my car, but not driving it, and again in front of the computer.

and there was this thing that happened on friday night.

i don't know what it was. but i was sitting outside, and thought the cars were driving on the wrong side of the road. i looked to see who they were driving around. there was no car double parked. and then i realized that they were in fact on the right side of the road. and i couldn't understand why i thought that they weren't.


so. i feel like my brain is having issues right now.


i went to bed last night feeling fine.

i woke up at 5 because i was sweating and my heart was racing. only not from a nightmare.

i fell back asleep, and woke up at 730 the same way.

i got up at 9.


i don't know.

i'm dreading tomorrow at work.

i already know i'm not going to sleep tonight. when something changes with work, that i'm stressed about or focused on, it messes up my sleep.

i start sandwiches tomorrow. and i will be making sandwiches in my sleep all night tonight. i just know it.

and i'll wake up completely exhausted to go to work for 9 hours, after i worked in my sleep for 8 hours.


and after that successful (in my humble opinion) short story i wrote, the second one i started was not working at all. so i'm scrapping it.

and now i can't think of another song that inspires me as much as rootless tree. not a single one.

and that's a bummer.

i made a few minor edits to stardust. or, the story formerly referred to as stardust. and looked into some self-publishing info the writer sent to me.

and then have all but finished editing the entire blogs-worth of book. all three hundred pages of it. it's over 131k words! IT IS INSANE. at what point do i call it a wrap?

i wanted to make it so that it's done when the divorce is done.

but i can't have a 200 or 300k word book. no one will ever read that!

i guess i have to edit myself, cut stuff out that is less applicable, omit stories that are not as strong.


so, yeah. this bowl of ramen is not what i should be eating. the beer i'm going to drink when i finish this is also probably not a good idea. the bowl of home fries i had for brunch rounds out my carb-a-thon.

oh, saint atkins, guardian of lower bmi, grant me the strength to start this diet sometime this week. i have to stop the madness. stop with the sweets, and drink jack and diet instead of beer. stop with the popcorn (it had been months without it) and go back to eating pepperoni as a snack. i think i've eaten five bags of chips in total since i moved into this apartment. almost two a week. disgusting.

just thinking about it makes my stomach turn. of course, so does the 'diet'.

all in the name of a little string bikini. good god. i should do what the girl in that yogurt commercial did. put the bikini on the mirror, and stare at it longingly while i shove meat and cheese and lettuce into my mouth.


suffice it to say, today was a shitty day. i feel like getting into bed and not getting out. i don't want to deal with anything. i don't want to talk. i don't want to field legal advice from ever. i don't want to wake up in the morning. i don't want to ride my bike.

the only good things that happened today were shrouded in frustration.

first, i got my thao-mirah tickets. i cannot WAIT. like, really really cannot wait.

and on my way back to my car, stopped in the art supply store for 5 brand new micron pens. all of mine got mixed in with shit at the house. so i treated myself.

they are my favorite. i spent $12 on them, and i'm very happy. i even got a blue one and a brown one.

pay no attention to the hour i spent in the car getting something like 40 blocks from home to get them. just the end result.

one month til thao. swoon...