big day. technically june29th.

attempt at sleep was too unsuccessful.

the mosquito bites i'll get out here will probably not be worth the cigarettes i'm smoking.

i re-read heima. i re-read future tense.

in it, i mentioned eleven.

i couldn't re-read saturn.

because that happened. and i'm ready for the next thing.

i had so much to say two minutes ago and it's all gone now.

it's still here in my head. but i just feel myself slipping.

i guess what happened was this.

kit sent me a link. to for the 26th.

it explains EVERYTHING.

it explains the discomfort for things as they are. it explains the panic when you realize all the drastic changes you want to make. it's called the great cross. the full moon lunar eclipse complicated by all the planets in the path of it.

saturn represents reality, which i never knew before.

it explains thinking about new career paths and big life queastions. the desire to change everything all at once.

full moons signify endings. perhaps the end of my marrige? i filed on the 25th.

expanding minds, improving internal dialog and external conversations.

everything is relative.

harsh, sudden changes.

impatient energy and conflict. awarenes of personal environment and immediate surroundings,

rebirth, compulsions, obsessions. transformations, regeneration. assessments. what we decide we need. what sacrifices we have to make to acquire what we need.

what defines our security. current life. present self, present drives.

how we think and process.

it's all in there.

even saturn.

'So although Neptune is attuned to what our dreams may be, Saturn is working extra hard laying out the harsh truth of whatever our situation(s) entail. This combination can be give a sobering effect; and if we can get past the depressing state of our affairs, we can focus our attention on what we can do to improve our situation. With Jupiter and Uranus still collaborating, we may remain eager and optimistic or we may catch a break or, at the very least, find solace/support in the least likely places or sources.'

this trip was timed perfectly.

everything in my life right now is.

even later today, whatever that means.

this explains dark sky park. it explains the ladybug.

when i randomly run into astrology, it always applies. and i'm grateful that kit keeps an eye on it for me, and tells me when there's something i need to see. she's only done it one other time since i've known her.

kit said that bags under my eyes are not attractive and that i should sleep. yet it's around four, and as per the usual these past few weeks, i'm wide awake.

cursing my manic nature. cursing my excitement.

i wish i was in the pool. that someone else in the house was awake so i could get in the pool.

i've been dying to slip naked into the cool water.

right now the clouds are blocking the light of the nearly full moon. it is the perfect opportunity.

i think i'm jumping in.


i'm totally jumping in.

* * *

and wouldn't you know that i slipped in during the end of 'looks' on my dark sky mix. the very next song?

'when we swam'

swimming laps never felt so good. and so pretty.

i am FREE.

that was totally worth it...


  1. I only said dark circles under your eyes were unattractive in order to try to get you to sleep! You know you're beautiful, no matter how much sleep you get. :)

  2. i know how you meant it. you were right. i thought it was funny... <3