head aches. november 17th.

maybe it's from crying at benjamin button.

but i already felt it coming on when i got home from work.


this is tea detoxing from sugar. cakes and pastries at work. popcorn, ramen, and shitty microwave food at home.

day two of atkins-ish diet.


i miss my bed snacks. popcorn and cheezits.

but just knowing i'm doing something is making me feel so much better.


i miss beer, too.

trading stoli vanil and diet is a crutch. i was writing in paper journal today that i feel less shitty when i wake up and before sleep without beer.

but i love it.

i will try to do this until thanksgiving. and then maintain until i go home.


i also finished battlestar galactica. and started buffy upon nina's recommendation.


i decided tonight, upon missing the leonids shower peak, that i will not miss another.

it makes me sad to think that i could be seeing something so neat because i live in a city with too much light pollution.

this time next year, i'm mostly positive i'll be home.

with a kickass telescope.


and that makes me feel better about another night in, alone.


part of the movie i just watched involved some intense passion. and there was this one scene, where he kisses her. and i could almost feel it, i wanted it so badly.


i just want to make out.

no one understands this but me.


i need a boy to make out with, as soon as i can find one.

it shouldn't matter who it is, but to me it does.


i will find it. i just have to be patient.

and if not, i can always go to the source of passion.

chalk has come back with some innuendo in scrabble. he knows i'm coming home soon. he's buttering me up.

and i can't say that i mind. even though it's not the same, and it's not what i'm looking for. it will get me by...


* * *

how could i forget?

this is a funny story.

with an interesting twist...


so yesterday at work, my newest adorkable 'boyfriend' came by.

i didn't see him walk up, because i was behind the pastry case.

and pam was on her phone, goofing off, kim was at the register.


i was all bundled up in my coat and backpack to bike to the bank.

and kim said, 'tea? can you help me?'

and i said, 'whaaaat?' in my annoyed bitchy voice, looking at pam who was totally able to help her.


and i came from behind the case, and he was standing there.

and like the retard that i am, i said, 'oh.'

he smiled.

and i grabbed his mug to fill it.

smiling while i filled it for being such an idiot.

pam was cracking up.

she said he raised his eyebrows. which they both refer to as big hairy caterpillars.

and when i handed him his coffee, and turned away, he did it again. kim asked him how his day was going.

he smiled and said something simple, like 'fine'.


i wanted to kill them. and harm myself for always being an idiot when it counts. i could have said one of a million things.

but all i could muster was, 'oh.'

obviously obvious.


so then today, i went to smoke.

and i knew that when i left, he'd come by.

and i found out after that he did. and that they tried to stall him, but i don't know what for.

the next time i see him i know i will blush and be an idiot.


so i went to smoke in my secret hiding spot. it's on the backside of the building kit used to do research in.

and i was walking back to work, and passed by the lab where her old window was. and i don't know why.

but i looked in the window.

and who is sitting there, staring at his computer? luckily...

yep. adorkable boyfriend.


i already feel like a stalker. and now, every day when i smoke, i'll be afraid he'll see me there. researchers for the most part detest smoking.

and every day now, i know where he works. and i'll have to try not to look in the fucking window. out of habit.


oh, well.

it was an interesting thing.

having the feeling to look in.

and seeing him sitting there. less than a foot away from me. separated by a single pane of glass.

a window.

see previous post to really get the implication. and to try to understand how it made me feel.