survival. november 6th.

he is just gone.

and i doubt he'll ever be back when i'm back.


today was crazy.

good crazy, but crazy. little things were lining up.


i laid around this morning after not sleeping in as late as i wanted.

i thought about last night, trying to feel less sad, which wasn't hard to do. last night sucked.

i realize how much faith i have in something good happening to me. and i know all too well that things happen when you don't expect them to.

and i walked to where my car was parked, and moved it back to the street by my apartment. had some coffee and food, and then packed up to leave for the bridge opening.

i knew there would be a lot of people there, then doubted it. and as i got within a few blocks, i realized that it was going to be quite a party. and as per the usual, people in philadelphia drink at any opportunity. apparently, the bridge opening was a pretty good reason to drink.

lauren met me at three, and after walking the bridge alone and taking picures for an hour, when i met her, we went again. listened to the mayor speak through drunken shouting. and headed to a bar to join the festivities.

had an awesome burger that i hadn't had in a while. when the bar got flooded and the service continued to suck, we paid the tab and left. the server didn't have our beers on the tab, so we left happier than we were going to leave, and went to the fancier bar for a second beer.

and i had another half pint after that, then switched to seltzer to avoid being swervy. i walked her to her train after several hours of great company. it felt good to be out and in the thick of the fun with a friend who can relate to most of what i've been going through.

walking back, i was in alice's neighborhood. i'd intended to go home and watch another tearjerker of a movie, but as i passed the diviest dive bar in the city, she said she was inside. so i joined her for two beers.

it was a day of having beers with friends. i didn't overdo it by any stretch, i paced myself exquisitely well, and didn't even have a buzz when i walked home from there.

seeing alice was awesome, though our stories competed for the title of 'worst week in a long time'.

commiserating with a friend at the bar is so much easier than drinking alone at the bar and trying to hide my misery.


and i wonder, after the conversations i had today, if it is out of necessity that i'm so content to sleep alone.

i was afraid of it in the beginning. i know i must have felt less safe for a while, not having a man in the bed to keep me safe and watch out for me.

ever slept like the dead, so i guess i didn't feel much safer with him there. maybe that was the trick to it.


but when someone shares my bed with me, i don't sleep. it happened when chalk was here, and it happened my entire life before him.

i have always been the girl that watches the boy sleep. the heavy chest, the quiet snoring. eyelid movements. contact with another warm body wakes me up again, and nuzzling is substituted for sleep.


i don't know. i'm glad it's that way, because if it wasn't, i think nine months into a cold bed would be killing me by now. eight months ago today, i left ever.

i realized that at the bar with alice.

it's been a long, long time.


and i think that's why i'm letting myself think about possibilities.

i don't care that the divorce isn't final.

i know that almost everyone i know who has either gone through one, or a breakup that feels like one, didn't wait very long to start seeking out someone to fill that void.

i'm almost at a year, it's true. in three short months, i'll be at that day.

so i guess i need to cut myself some slack, and let myself have some fun, if by some small miracle, fun finds its way into my life again. in the form of a boy.


i'm going to be okay. it's okay to be this sad. i'm supposed to be, from what i can tell.

it's okay that this week made me not want to get out of bed. at all. any day this week. it's okay that it's a struggle to get up and go to work.

it's okay that there have been a run of weeks since september where i didn't feel like things were ever going to get better. that every week, i tell myself, 'if i can just survive this week, next week will be easier'. and that every week, it's harder than the one before.

it says something that i still tell myself the same thing every week, to get to the other end of it. and that the week ends, and the weekend begins, and i feel worse, but somehow better. relieved of real life for a couple days.


as sick of this all as i am becoming, i'm glad that i'm doing this well, i guess. yeah, i'm drinking, but who doesn't when they go through something similar. i haven't made any drunken mistakes, except for the one where my inaction was my mistake.

i haven't compromised what i want for myself. in fact, i have proven to myself that if it is just sex that i want, i am capable of getting that, without complicating it like i was afraid that i would.

and now, all i'm saying, is that i'm okay with letting things get complicated, if the situation arises.

everywhere i walked today, in a sea of maybe a thousand people, give or take, i was looking for that little white knit hat, atop the head of a boy who is barely taller than me. and i saw my stalker, and a few customers. and no boy in a white hat.

it's okay to want more of that night.

and i don't have to go to the same bar every night to run into him.

if i'm supposed to, i will.

if there is such a thing as fate or destiny or whatever you want to name it.


and if i don't, then all i can do is tell myself that his version of complicating things is not what i am supposed to experience. maybe he is a total dick, and was just working me. maybe it's what he does.

it didn't feel that way, but i am a professional at attaching meaning and feelings to things which don't deserve or demand them.

i think that is why that movie upset me so much.


i just put so much thought and energy and emotion into something so insignificant. and i get carried away.

but, like nina said in her post to me, i am learning. and there's going to be a learning curve, and maybe this boy was it for me.

maybe i'm only at the first plotted point on the graph, at the beginning of the curve that will incline steeply. maybe i'm in the middle. until i am in a situation that is more than just one tiny window of conversation, there might not be a way to tell.

but somewhere out there, there is a boy who i'll be allowed to like. and it will be nice to be liked back.

in the deleted scenes, there was a part about saying 'i love you'. in a girl to boy kindof a way. and i can't really picture myself having feelings that strong for someone. and that makes me feel like i'm doing okay with this whole thing.

i heard someone say it on the phone behind me today, and i almost turned around to look at the guy, because it sounded foreign to me. i say it to my friends all the time. but it's almost like i just forgot that boys can say it to girls that they care about.

i feel much more even keeled tonight. i'm not going to lie - it's cold as shit outside. and i would love to be warmed up by a cute boy.

but tonight doesn't feel as lonely as last night did.

and i have my friends to thank for that.

lauren, alice. thank you for saving me from myself today.

i needed it. i don't think i could have taken another night alone, the way i felt last night.

i'm here if you need me. and i would be delighted to return the favor.


it was a shitty week.

maybe this week will be better.

tomorrow will be okay. whatever happens.

and i will survive this week.

just like the one before. and just like the one before that.


i guess i'm back to using mantras again. it's been a while...