aftermath. january 13th.


and that's about it.

my eyes are burning. i'm hungry and nauseous all at the same time.

i'm too exhausted to be angry or sad really. though i do feel like crying, still...

so this is what happened yesterday:

i was at work. minding my own business. having a relatively good day.

and my phone rang at 2. and it was ever. and i stared at it for a second.

and then i picked it up and said, 'what's up?' in a monotone.

and he said he wanted to tell me when he could meet for mediation.

fine. great. wrote things down. and i should have hung up on him without saying goodbye or anything. i had the info i answered for.

or when i realized that he was launching into something unrelated, i should have hung up on him then, too.

but i did what i do. i did what i did when i was still in the house. or anytime he called me after i left him.

i listened.

and i felt myself becoming increasingly panic-stricken. my face went hot, then white, then lightheaded, then heart pounding in my head angry.

i cannot understand for the life of me why i let him reel me in.

i'm not a stupid fish. i see the hook. i see the worm on the hook. i know it's fucking bait. but i see the worm, and no hook, so surely this worm must not be attached to a hook? am i retarded or something?

last night, after a talk with kit, i literally felt like i need to take a mental vacation. go check myself in somewhere.

it's funny how mirrored the conversation kit and i had was, once i was home and in bed.

because she was joking around and said, 'is this forever? is this real life?' from david at the dentist. about a friend who felt a little crazy once.

and it was totally how i felt that night. i didn't think that the conversation was stressful at all while we were having it, over beers at favorite bar. but when i started to feel like a crazy person, it kinda took over.

so the meat of the story.

what he said.

after the bit about the days, he asked me to let him know as soon as possible, because he needed to let some people know when the mediation would be taking place so they could be there.

that he's being featured in a paper article, having a documentary made about the company, and being interviewed for a local radio station.

all of which sounds like bullshit to me (to which i should have said, had i been on my a game, 'aw, does that make you feel better about yourself? like a big important businessman?). i mean, i know it is.

while i don't doubt there is coverage for him, there has been before, we used to make it happen all the time, i don't see how anyone other than him could be this interested in divorce proceedings.

he went on to say that they want to include the hearing and the mediation, so he'll have these people from these places there to ask questions and tape the whole thing.

which he can't do. but anyway.

then said that the paper want certain questions answered while we're under oath.

that's when i realized that he's been overdosing on crazy pills.

poor ever, without a lawyer. he's been to court five times that i know of. probably more. so why on earth would he think that he'd be allowed to have paper reporters ask questions in a court session while we're under oath?

he has lost his fucking mind.

yet, in my head, i'm having an impossible time blocking the image of our reporter friend with his microphone in my face, or the image from that show 'cheaters' where they basically ambush the person with a camera crew and start asking a barrage of questions. in my head, i see the spinning newspaper that swirls closer and stops like in the movies, with headlines that might read, 'someone kill this woman' or 'the bitch behind the business', or 'poor ever - defenseless and broke'. with one of those horribly unflattering pictures (it's not hard to get one of those these days) where i look like my grandmother, all worry lines, no makeup, frumpy and weighed down with shopping bags, with my mouth agape under the headline.

the lawyer had already heard this bullshit, and told him that a mediation is not a public event, and that it would only be the three of us in a room.

and that if he brought anyone other than a lawyer to the hearing, he'd ask the judge to kick them out of the courtroom.

so i shouldn't worry. i'm meeting with him 30 minutes before ever is invited to show up tomorrow.

just now, thinking about tomorrow, my face is hot and tingly. my stomach is sick. and i'm a little shaky. it feels like being embarrassed. like being called out on a foul or a lie.

the majority of my stress comes from not knowing how to handle him, or what to say.

to get myself out of it yesterday, after i talked to nina, i decided that, if he does bring anyone other than himself, i'll just let shit fly about his past life. especially if it is in front of a camera or a recorder.

just loudly ask dave if we should include the bits about him being a recovering heroin addict. or the bits about the time he spent in jail for assaulting a cop. or his ex girlfriend. or if i should mention that he started drinking and lying about it the last year i was with him. or when he started spending my money (his 'allowance') on weed and lying to me about that for over a month.

just let the truth spill out.

taint the image of ever as the phoenix. rising from the death and destruction his wife left for him to contend with when she pulled the anchor and sailed away.

it made me even more angry that i let it get to me.

and i know he could hear it in my voice when i asked him to bring the release for anything related to the divorce with him.

and i heard him smile when he (lied) said, 'oh. they only need my permission, so there is no release for you to sign. i've already done the majority of the interviews and filmed portions. they don't need your permission because it's public knowledge.'

you know, if he wants to bring a slew of people into court where i list the reasons why he needs to pay his bills on time, then so be it. he is the one who is going to look like an irresponsible tool. and all i have to do is let dave do the talking.

if i can find a way to get into the house this weekend with my realtor friend, that would be best, because i know he is lying about not having roommates. or if i can even go do some surveillance and catch people other than ever coming and going. i know they still live there. unless they all moved out when i was in florida. which is really highly unlikely.

and then he just looks like an irresponsible liar. because either he's letting people stay there without paying, or he is taking cash from them so it goes under the radar, or they are there and they are paying and he is just lying.

there's the bit about not giving me the rent money because he needed to do upkeep and improvements on the house. there's the bit about the leases.

and then, in my head, i can't help but to wonder what the fuck he wants to ask me? under oath so i can't lie. seriously. what could it be?

the only legitimate thing he has is the bit about paying my parents back. because it wasn't specifically a loan.

it's a decent human being thing. and if he wants to be a douchebag and refuse to pay that back, then awesome. he will get his.

now for the part of my day where i look for emails sent back and forth while we were trying to settle things amicably... ugh...

and for any sign of proof that he was only used to make up the difference that i couldn't qualify for on my own.

i can't think about this any more. i need to find things that will make me feel like i have a stronger case.

and as far as landlord?

i fucking DARE him to text me again.

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