i finally calmed myself down from that, the second panic attack of the day.
and at 1230 am i got a text from landlord telling me that my constant coming and going has gotten to be too much. that his heating bill was $100 higher than normal.
i texted him back.
is this a joke? i was gone for half the month of december. i told you that the heat was set too high, and i have my windows cracked. maybe if the front door shut, that would help. do you want me to move? and is 1230 am texting even appropriate?
i must be taking crazy pills.
what i wanted to say was this:
just because you choose not to work, and choose to set your own thermostat at a retarded temperature, your bills are not my FUCKING PROBLEM.
i pay my rent. you do not have the right to tell me when i can come and go. if you don't fucking like it, then fucking MOVE OUT. i pay my rent on time. too high, if you ask me, but heat is included, so whatever. i don't bitch about the fact that the door doesn't shut. i don't bitch about the fact that my bathroom window is permanently open, when it's 15 degrees outside. or about the fact that the oven doesn't work. or the fact that third floor neighbor moves furniture around her apartment between the hours of midnight and 3am when i'm trying to sleep, pretty much every night. or that i can hear her having sex. or hear her cat running all over at all hours. or plays even louder music at even crazier hours. or about the fact that you don't clear snow from the stoop or the walk leading up to it.
i don't smoke in the apartment. it is none of your business when i choose to smoke or how many times a day i open the front door.
i would love nothing more than to move out of your shithole apartment.
your texting is completely inappropriate, out of line, and has pretty much crossed the line from annoyance to harrassment.
i had just calmed myself down from a second panic attack. and you gave me a third. thank you. i have to do something tomorrow called WORK. and i'm waking up at 545 to do that.
you are a crazy asshole. sell your fucking buildings. get a job. leave me the fuck alone. AND STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY APARTMENT.
tell you what. you give me my security deposit back. keep my last month's rent for the month of february, and i will gladly leave.
as a courtesy, i'll gladly start paying my rent on the 5th, as that is the last possible day i can pay it without incurring a late fee.
i'll play loud music until midnight like you do, and use hammers to make fucking SHOES until midnight like you do. and i'll even try harder to find some guy to fuck just so i can have loud rough sex all day and all night right above your head.
i'm waiting for him to try to come in and notice i changed the lock.
i should probably change it back. just so i have nothing to keep from getting my security deposit back. and i should probably suggest that he just keep my last months rent for february, and go our separate ways.
seriously. i had just accomplished the feeling of, 'maybe now i can fall asleep' when he sent that. and god strike me dead if my heart rate didn't skyrocket above where it was when i wrote that last post.
it's only funny because i just went on to my shrink about not getting out of bed. i go to work and come home. and most nights have two cigarettes. does that constitute constant coming and going?
is anyone a lawyer? can i do anything about this?
if i had shit i didn't mind breaking, i'd start heaving breakables against my apartment floor.
i have consistently let his crazy texts slide. the one about rent being due on the first. the one about smoking in the hall, which i did not do, and have not ever done. the one that accused me of taking apart my bathroom sink when i was painting his apartment for him.
but now? this is just too far.
i have never wanted to run away and never look back as much as i do right now. four hours before my alarm will go off, sending me to a store that i hate. for a job that i'm pretty disenchanted with this week. to think about the man that i hate more than anyone i have ever hated. for more panic attacks.
i need to sleep. i can't seem to get there.
and i can't pop another pill or have another drink to force myself to pass the fuck out.
fuck my life.
fuck it ALL.