fucking goddamn motherfucker.

on a night when i have to be up retardedly early.

i am awake.

my resting heart rate? 96 bpm.

i just popped an ativan in hopes of falling asleep while it is still technically today.

how did i make it through my entire life since leaving without it? any why have i taken it 3 times in the last 5 days?


i am so mad at myself.

why did i answer the phone?

why did i let him win?

i knew. i knew it. i knew that he would only try to upset me. yet, i hoped it would be different this time.

i'm fucking insane. because it's always the same. and against my better judgment, and everyone else's, i answered the call. to set up a mediation date.

and i got oh so much more than i bargained for.


seemed harmless enough. he said, 'i'm available on thursday or friday or monday, after 130.'

and i said, 'great i'll text you the appointment time.'

and that is when i should have hung up without saying goodbye.

and then i didn't.

and then the next sentence started a chain of sentences.

and then i was royally fucked. in the head. at work. at 2 pm.


and then i had to leave the store. and i had to smoke. and i had to call nina. i had to take a breather for five minutes.

then i had to sit down. i didn't throw up or pass out, but felt very pale and very green.


all because of ever.

ever the hype machine.


i just have to tell myself:

he knows what he is doing, and that is why he is doing it.

he is a liar.

he's doing this because he is scared.

he's doing this because he is hurt. still.

he's trying to make my life harder because he knows i'm happier without him.

he'll get what he deserves and i don't have to be the one to give it to him.


even though, today, i was so livid that i really think, given the right opportunity, i would have harnessed all the buffy i've been watching lately, and put a knife into his person. or punched him in his lying mouth.


i don't want to be writing this right now. but i need to do something.

i watched two episodes of modern family followed by two episodes of the office. and i was laughing so hard for two hours.

and then i turned off the laptop, and i started to cry. out of nowhere, immediately following laughter.

i started and stopped.


i want to cry. i want to scream.

but i can't. and i'm silent.

and i'm fucking awake. and i hate my life right now.


tomorrow i'll have lots of time at suck store to write it all out - i know it's cryptic now, but i can't get into it and get upset all over again.

and then friday, at 3, i see my lawyer. and at 330, he'll be there. i doubt he'll actually show up. but he says he'll be there for mediation. to settle things once and for all.


and then it will be over. and it will be the weekend. and then i can lay in bed for two days. and then it will be suck store again on monday. and then the court date on tuesday.

and then, if i am lucky, the worst will be over.


then, if i'm lucky, i'll never fucking see him again.

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