the death continues to affect me.
i talked to kit a little about it today.
i used to contemplate my own untimely death when i was married. a friend of mine, from suck store, had something crazy happen in her life. she came home from work one day, and found her husband face down at the bottom of the stairs, in the basement. he had fallen, and been like that for five hours. he's paralyzed, it took a couple months until he could even speak again. and now, her life is about taking care of him, because he cannot take care of himself. one day, things are normal. then next, things are not.
that is what prompted my line of thinking originally. and in the end, i was using it as a way to discuss with ever what he would do if i wasn't around. under the pretense that 'something happened' to me.
in actuality, it was peace of mind about leaving him.
but i thought about what happens when something like this happens. what happens to your facebook account? your email? what happens to your bank account? what if you have a secret account? what happens at work? how do the bills get paid? how could people get passwords to get into things like that, if they don't know where to look?
in my case, i have this super top secret blog. i spent a lot of time worrying about it being found, by ever, in the case of my death. i took great care to delete history and clear caches.
when i thought it, i told both nina and kit my universal password. just in case. they had access to things ever didn't even know existed. and had strict orders to delete certain messages between us that would have given me away.
and i walked the straight and narrow with him. yes, there were emails that i was a little too excited about. and commentary about said emails. but i never crossed a line in real life, while i was with him. and i wonder how often secret lives come up when someone dies unexpectedly.
i also told each of them what was theirs if i was to leave this world.
so talking about it today brought it back up.
because i was on the road, i guess i was thinking about this accident that happened maybe a couple years ago. a semi was driving in the fast lane on 95 and lost a tire. the tire flew across the barricade and hit a minivan that was traveling in the direction i travel, in the fast lane i usually drive in, at the time of day when i used to drive home from suck store. the semi lost control and ended up on the opposite side of 95 after barreling through the barricade. it came to rest against the wall on the far side, four lanes across, five from where it started.
and a couple days later, when i made the drive, i saw where things had ended up, against the barricade by the emergency lane. the tire had killed the driver on impact, due to physics - two vehicles traveling opposite directions at high speeds.
and since that happened, most of the time when i am driving back from delaware, i think of that accident. it makes me nervous to be in the fast lane. because accidents happen all the time, and there's no median to protect the two fast lanes from each other. just a chunk of concrete that hopes to be high enough to keep lanes from merging. add a bunch of road rage idiots, lack of turn signal usage, and some jackasses in souped up car to the mix, weaving in and out of cars at retarded speeds, and hopping on the interstate for five minutes is taking life into your own hands. oh, and texting drivers. how could i forget?
the thought is always fleeting. but i always think it. and it's like i am waiting to see a car flipping up and over the barricade, or a semi to come crashing through it, or a gigantic tire heading for my windshield.
ah, the joys of anxiety disorder.
in any case, aside from that, at my absolute worst, i have momentarily contemplated running my car into a wall or a telephone pole when i felt lost and sad and hopeless and angry. or the split second thought that i'd miss this life if i jumped off a bridge on my way to work. because the water catches my eye sometimes. and lately, there have been massive chunks of ice floating, but not moving.
don't worry, readers. i don't have a death wish. i used to think those things when i was really angry at ever, and thought, 'i'll show him!' but it never lasted more than the second it crossed my mind. and i never would actually do it.
in any case, maybe this is a good time for a bucket list of sorts.
nate recently fessed up to having a condition, in his brain, that requires surgery to ensure he'll go on living. and though shocked by the news, i was further shocked that he is blatantly refusing treatment. because he doesn't want to live as a vegetable. or as a person without speaking or writing skills. he's so afraid of what could possibly happen, as side effects, if something goes wrong in surgery, that he is content to die in a blaze of his usual glory in the next three to four years, when he suffers an aneurysm.
i completely disagree with his attitude about it. yes, it's scary. but i can't imagine knowing i only had three or four years left. kinda like ever. and doing nothing about it. also kinda like ever.
what is with these boys? do they really feel like they have lived as much as they can? that their current legacy is substantial enough? that they've done what they feel they ought to have done?
don't get me wrong. i don't want to die old. or of cancer. or alzheimers. but i don't want to die in four years either. what can help them is modern medicine. if the benefit didn't outweigh the risks, they wouldn't have an option.
this week has shown me that you just never know. and since my life has become crazy in the last year, i eased up on the procrastination, and have taken to the 'don't put off til tomorrow what you can do today' mantra.
and because i know that my time here is limited, this is what i want to do before i die. and because a long and full life has only been promised to me by a $5 palm reading in atlantic city last winter, i won't put these things off much longer:
1. get a passport (very very soon) and go to canada (with kit)
2. go to europe
3. go to australia
4. go to iceland
5. go skydiving (summer of 2011, with aubree)
6. go on a stargazing camping trip up the west coast (fall of 2011)
7. fly somewhere alone and hang out for a few days (boston?)
8. drive west again
9. eat indian food in india (the safe variety)
10. publish a book
11. practice art regularly
12. fall in love again
13. make a baby
14. swim with dolphins
15. build a place where people enjoy being, where i can do what i love, and love what i do
16. buy a silver bullet (streamline) and travel across the country for at least a month
17. backpack in italy
18. camp in a foreign country (spain?)
19. go on a haunted house/ghost tour
20. see a medium, and try to contact people that i miss. a legit one. if such a thing exists...
most of these require traveling, which is easiest without kids and before settling down. before bones and joints begin to ache. before you get permanently tired.
think of this as my new five year plan...
and now, the morality portion of the evening.
back to the virtual boys.
and the real life boys, as well.
i went to a different neighborhood with kit tonight, to have a beer with a guy friend of hers.
he's a homebrewer, trying to find a spot to put his brewery, and start his dream business. i love beer. but this guy LOVES beer. and knows beer. a lot about everything beer-related.
he's nice, and friendly, and we had a drink with him and talked outside, because it was such a nice night.
(a quick note to say that, if you live near this city, i hope you spent time in the weather today. it was absolutely perfect.)
on the drive there, i was watching out the passenger side window while kit drove us up to the bar.
and everywhere, every minute or two, there was a hot boy to smile about.
it was like everyone came out of hibernation today, and got out for a walk or an adventure tonight. when i am on the prowl (i am) and when there are hot boys everywhere (there were), i have this joke with her, where i pant. like a dog. i'm making fun of myself. and it is funny, how simple i can be sometimes. how i feel like i can't control my urge to pounce, yet do absolutely nothing to further the quest.
i clamjam myself. or cockblock myself. either. both.
my body language probably reads as liking women. because i'm comfortable and relaxed around women. and instead of smiling or saying hi to boys, most of the time, i shy away from boys. because i think that the one i want would never want me. it's a fear of rejection.
it's why i've taken to the online thing. because i can rate every single one that i want in a way that, if they think the same about me, i will be notified.
it sets it up. yes, it takes the mystery out of it. and for people like me, who are not photogenic, it's pretty unfair.
it's yet to happen. but i have faith. and not only that, but i also am not ashamed to lower my asshole standards if the need arises after a while of rating and not being rated highly. before that happens, i will cast the net with the winks. and the messages. i think if i was a dude, i'd only go for chicks that said something to me. why should we always expect men to instigate? well, i say that, knowing it's not like that anymore. and i feel very aware of my southern roots all of a sudden, because i still feel like it is.
it takes the guess work out of it. yeah, we might not gel. but i think you're cute and you think i'm cute. and that's fucking further than i'd ever get in a bar with you. so i'll take it.
so we got to where we were going. and the three of us were talking. and there were boys everywhere. it was like hot boy mecca for a minute.
and half of them were with girls. but half of them were with other guys. two of them were standing right behind us, when her friend disappeared into the bar.
and at one point, my back was to them, but i had already smiled back at them once. and one of them did the singing bit from the justin timberlake snl skit, the beegees talk show. and i cracked up and turned around and laughed/smiled in their direction.
but that was it. i didn't take it any further than that. and neither did they. and then they were gone. and then we were.
aside from that, i now think i see boys from the site in real life. maybe it's because i've now run into three on the site that i know in real life. reverse odds must be staggering.
and, at the same time, i keep waiting for some random dude (scary or not necessarily) to walk up to me and say, 'don't i know you? are you on dating site?'
in my list of unrealistic fallout fears, i've conjured up a few this week that were pretty good. or bad, as the case may be.
first and foremost, as i suspected, i'm afraid that ever's going to say, 'you got matched with my friend.'
because he got matched with my friend a year ago. again, reverse odds. he knows fucking everyone. i know like 40 people.
also, i fear that the people i think i recognize from real life are people that i do know of. or that i'll accidentally rate them incorrectly and then they'll think i like them, but i actually don't. but that's entirely too much thinking.
or, i am afraid that one day, dating site server will glitch the fuck out, and then everyone will see what everyone else rates them. people will decide i'm a shallow piece of shit. and i'll realize the volume of guys who think i'm as lame as i think they are.
i'm afraid that i'll find someone i like in real life. and marvel at the fact that they're on dating site. and then they'll know and i'll be embarrassed.
or that i'll see someone's boyfriend. or husband. and then i'll have to tell them.
how's that for unreasonable fear? add it to the list that starts with 'having an ugly baby'. i could go on for days about unreasonable fears, but that would probably wreck what bit of relaxation and sanity i am able to achieve on a daily basis, mostly with the aid of beer and humor.
and because i keep finding more fucked up pictures, along with many more 'which one are you' guys, i'll add to that list from the other night.
(i think my calling might be in writing about online dating. a column. i could attempt to make comics about it...
i was chatting with nina about it. i want to tell some of them: never take off your hat, shave the beard, keep the beard, cut your hair, grow your hair, don't wear the pink shirt, keep the glasses, ditch the glasses, etc. stuff like that. because there are a great number of guys who have some really flattering photos next to really unflattering photos, and apparently they can't tell the difference between the two.)
you get 1 star if:
s. you're wearing different colored wifebeaters. in every picture.
that's it for tonight. i've been working on this post, halfheartedly, for the better part of three hours.