voyeur? february 16th.

so today landlord texted that he wouldn't be showing the apartment anymore because he rented it.

it's nice to not have to worry about keeping it clean.

it's nice to not have to worry about people wandering through.

and it's nice to not have to worry that no one would take my place.

i knew that he had to be close, because he has shown it so many times.

i hope it's a dude. a dude who doesn't bake. who has a cat for the mice that have popped up in the last couple weeks. who likes it when the neighbor has super loud, long and drawn out sex. last night was so unreal. they were obviously having fantastic sex. i went outside to smoke, because i wasn't succeeding at completely drowning it out. and on my stoop, on the first floor, with headphones on, and i could hear her screaming from the third floor.

unbelievable!

seriously. not exaggerating. and when i smoked a couple cigarettes and then went back in? still going at it. it was like a two hour sexathon. what was really strange is that someone left the apartment and came back inside at some point. their door is on the other side of the wall from my bedroom wall. so when they go in and out, it sounds like they're in my apartment. i probably said aloud, 'thank gawd...' when the door closed the first time. and then there was more screaming.

i don't know. maybe they had condoms in the car outside or something and ran out mid-sexathon?

i can't believe that the first several months that i lived there, i never heard them. i don't know what changed. but the last couple months, a couple times a week, i'll be watching tv or listening to music. and hear them over it.


this weekend, it was funny.

i mean, not funny, because i don't take pleasure in people being upset. but because it was crazy landlord, it was funny.

i was watching nip/tuck at full volume, and i heard someone yelling. at first, i thought he had a movie playing through his stereo or something. and i paused my show, like 'what the hell is that?'

and i heard his voice. yelling.

and i walked to my door, listening.

and i heard muffled yelling, a girl and him.

and i heard him yell, 'i spent like twenty minutes calming you down last week when you got angry! you know...'

and i got into the shower at that point. let them calm down and not be a jerk and listen to their fight.


does this make me a voyeur? i mean, i intentionally tried to listen to the fight, but felt guilty about five seconds in. i try to drown out the screaming sex. both make me uncomfortable. more for them than for me. and for me, because i wonder what they have heard me say when i've had yelling phone conversations. or in-person conversations venting about something. or when chalk was here.

god. i hope no one has heard anything, but the sheer quantity of things i hear make that seem very unlikely.

to this, i add one little thing. i mean, it sucks, but it's not the same as for people.

our neighbor has a dog. the house that was formerly glee house. and i guess the guy is gone a lot. and leaves his dog home alone a lot. it's a tiny dog. and very vocal dog.

and the thing barks all day, all night. every day. and it sounds like it's in the stairwell, despite being in the next building over.

it just fits in with everything else i hear, in this apartment.


i was telling lauren the other night about how, when i moved into kit's as my halfway house, i spent a lot of time in total silence. i loved the sound of the refrigerator kicking on and off. but i had spent so much time in the house being inundated by sound and people and noise, all hours of the day and night, that i shifted when i left. from being someone who always has music on, and a song in my head, to sitting in perfect silence. for hours at a time. and enjoying it. appreciating it.

and i remember the sounds of the house. there are sounds of walls settling. the sound of the neighbor (car wash) cranking the same four songs on the rap radio station from 730 in the morning until 1 am the next day. washing cars. the sound of drug dealers outside the first floor windows all hours of the night.

before, it included the sound of the puppy barking at everything. but it won't now.

i think that, if i let myself sit in silence there, i might go a little crazy.

i remember the very first night that i slept in that house.

the floors were a mess. we'd been sanding them for days already. we had our piece of shit futon, and slept in the office. which was the room that the heater was in. and i didn't sleep at all that night.

i had to work in the morning, and i remember waking up every time the heater kicked on. and because it was january, it was kicking on every ten or so minutes. i kept waking up and forgetting where i was, disoriented. the dog kept barking at noises she wasn't accustomed to. and the sounds of the house made me think that someone was trying to break in.

it took a few nights to get a good night's sleep. a change of venue included.

and i am afraid that moving back in will be a little bit like that. i don't know the routines of the boy roommates, so it will be really odd to hear people coming in and out.


nina said something last night, about spinning everything to the positive. and i am trying. but i also don't want to walk into this situation and get blindsided left and right.

i have to think about these things. i mean, i've been living alone, cleaning up after only myself. if a sound is made inside my place, it's because i made it.

the good thing about the move is that i will spend a lot of time out of the house, because i really won't want to be there if i'm not working on it actively.


and part of me hopes they bail on me. because, while it will be awesome to collect rent and live for free, i know they've been living without any rules. and that i intend to implement some. for example, no smoking in the house. if i decide to have the third floor, then they won't be allowed up there at all. part of me feels like i should do that, just to have my own bathroom and all. in a way, i could set up pretty much everything i own on that floor, because it's as big as my apartment. just without a kitchen.

thinking about it, actively, is how i'm preparing for it. i'm afraid. i guess i've been too content to bitch about my apartment, too lazy to move out of it because i hated it, and now all i can think is that i'm going to miss it and that i have to move.


i need packing tape.

luckily, i saved all of my awesome boxes that i had when i moved in. the big ones, the sturdy ones. the one for my wall unit. that should make things easier.

and there's no reason not to start, especially on the things that i don't ever need or use. luckily, some stuff is still packed. and i can even buy more bins that i would want anyway, and just move everything in those.


ugh.

it's almost time to go.

i'm tired. from boredom and laziness. i feel myself getting fatter every day. from beer and overeating when i feel bad.

but tonight is art class. and that will be awesome. and friday is payday. it's going to suck for me, because i changed my tax withholding to be single. i have a feeling my check is going to be like $300 less than normal.

this was the time to do it though. because i have no rent due.

a bright light. a beacon of hope...