surprise! february 19th.

i was surprised today. several times.

ever's been surprising me, repeatedly, since last night. and not in a good way.

luckily, i wasn't foolish enough to think that this was over, really.

he texted me at 8 asking me to call him. i emailed him later, telling him to email me details. he did. another surprise. though, really, it shouldn't have been.

he was telling me that he found a place. sigh of relief there. that he spent all the money on that, mostly. that he has $900 in outstanding bills. that he is afraid the utilities will be shut off. that he wanted to know if i would be willing to pay them from his second half of the settlement.

i emailed him back and said to list out the account info and amounts, including late fees. and to tell me what is going on with his roommates. if they are staying or going.

then he called me again today, at 2, asking me to call him. he said that he emailed me the info i'd asked for, but to please call him.

i read the email from the car outside the salon and was surprised again. because when he listed them out, without having the bills in front of him, they come to more like $1400.

he said that he hasn't told one of the guys that he's moving out, because the guy hasn't been around. and that he didn't collect utilities from the other guy, because he wasn't there and using them.

he said that he doesn't have money for the moving truck, and he knows that he's asking a lot, and that it wasn't in the agreement, but could i give him some of the money now to help him move out?

he said that he has been working (he told me where, finally), but that he won't get paid for three weeks. and that he is moving all of his stuff into storage, which he needs to pay for, for a month until his new place opens up, and subletting a place for the month between.

i do wish i was heartless. because i was willing to pay the $900 to avoid problems when i have to switch over. i don't want to pay connect fees or run into any problems. but asking for $1400 and a little more, out of $3500 is crazy. not to mention, it gives me no leverage if he doesn't get everything out by the end of the month.

and if i give in on this, despite my better judgment, will he do what i think he might, and ask me to let him keep equipment in the house? because if it goes into storage, he won't be able to work for a month. he didn't say any of that - it's what i deduced on my own.

i know these are not my problems. yet, lately he has been making his problems mine. if the utilities get shut off, he'll have some explaining to do to the roommates, especially if he collected utilities and didn't pay them. is he just trying to save face? did he really not collect them because people weren't home? i don't know which is more unbelievable. the fact that he spent $2200 in eight days is alarming. despite understanding that i dropped $2100 in fewer to move into this place.

i called him at 330 and he didn't answer. he was asleep, which is what he said when he called me. again. while i was at lunch.

i didn't call or email after that.

it's actually okay. this will make things a little less crazy.

i guess it's time to talk to my parents. it's their money. see what they think. i emailed lawyer and didn't hear back, and he was copied on all the emails.

i'm trying not to think about it, but i'm not succeeding.

what i am succeeding at is thinking about other boys.

my feet are ready to be tangled with someone else's, it's official. i went today, with pam and kim, to get a pedicure. and it was so worth it! my feet feel pretty awesome. and they look really cute, too. i also got my eyebrows waxed.

we had so much fun. we were there from 1230 until 330. it was crazy. the girls were getting their old nails stripped off and redone while i got my pedicure. the place was busy enough that i sat soaking in the massage chair for almost an hour before the girl touched my feet. which might have annoyed some people, but i felt lucky. i jokingly told them i'd found my new boyfriend (the massage chair). and we were scattered in different sections, but close enough to talk to each other.

they're so funny. and so fun. they were cracking up all the women in the place, with their comments and conversation. which made me giggle even more. they bring sunshine everywhere they are. and it does take a little getting used to, pam's sense of humor. i think some people are put off by it until they realize that it's her way of joking around. and then they appreciate it.

i was done when they were about halfway done, so i stood between them while they got their nails painted. i got my eyebrows done then, which wasn't the best way to plan the trip. i should have done it first, so i didn't leave with a blotchy red face, but i didn't. and i managed to convince them both to get theirs done. neither had ever been waxed before. and despite the fact that pam has birthed a child, she was terrified. and they watched as about five women got theirs done while their nails were being done. and made wide-eyed faces. kim kept saying 'i'm so scared' over and over.

and i warned them that, once they saw what they looked like after, they'd be addicted. and would have it done with their nails from here on out.

and i was right. pam's were incredible. she kept looking in the mirror and walking away and walking back, saying 'oh my god' every time. she couldn't get over it. and kim's looked awesome, too. she was trying not to cry. she was sure that her eyes were watering while the woman worked. and the woman kept telling her, 'pain is beauty' and 'no pain, no gain' every time she tore the muslin away.

so i got all fancied up. and felt better about myself. we had a blast. then we went to lunch. i'd been telling them about my favorite indian restaurant, and i finally got them to go with me.

but that led to lunch buffet indigestion surprise.

it was a running joke when ever and i would go there. we'd always take the tums in the car. it was part of the trip. and i can easily put away three full plates when i go there. and leave with the buffet belly. and be miserably stuffed, and need a nap. and usually skip dinner that night, from still being so full.

so that is normal. and what i expect. but yesterday, i took maybe three bites, and felt like someone was stabbing me in the gut.

i guess it had been so long since i had gone that i couldn't handle it? that, or maybe the fact that i'd only had coffee to drink and nothing to eat to that point in the day, at 330, and that i was throwing acidic spiciness on top of more acid? i don't know.

but i was in so much pain that i had to eat very slowly, and didn't even manage to get as stuffed as i normally do. it's a pain that is so satisfying. a pain that i look forward to. and i let myself down yesterday. it was pretty sad. i only ate a plate and a half.

then i drove the girls home, blasting my new dance mix that i made for our outing. and that was awesome. they were surprised at a couple songs, and happy about a couple songs. we needed more driving time, because after the buffet, we all just wanted to get home as quickly as possible.

it was so much fun, though.

then i came home and sprawled out in front of dating site. i realized, yet again, that this is what i do. time i used to spend on facebook has been traded for dating site. and before that, it was farming-game time wasted on fb. and before that, i can't remember. but this is what i do. latch onto something. and kill hours perusing.

i updated my profile today. because so many of the boys' i look at are so funny. and i feel like mine was so boring. i like this. i don't like this. blah blah blah. all in neat little sentences and lists. the ones i like the most crack jokes in their writing and get giggles out of me.

i didn't accomplish that. not even close. but i did fix a little. i took off some stuff that sounded bitchy/boring. i have a feeling it will be a constant process.

i have decided to start 'winking' at boys the end of next week. i needed a little time to get acclimated, to learn how stuff works, i guess. and i didn't want to pop up as a new user and then start hitting on everyone.

so i figure i'll be ready by next week. and after that, if nothing happens, i won't be afraid to message boys. well, i will. but i'll do it anyway. i think the best thing to do will be to see if any shows are coming up that we both would want to go to and say something.

there were no surprises today, as far as dating site was concerned. i wish that there had been. just one. i'm not greedy.

but i'd like to be surprised further.

i don't know if you know this, reader, but you can comment on a post anonymously. if a post stuck out to you, please let me know.

i've been wanting to compile my best posts, but don't know which are the 'best'. i know how i felt when i was writing them, the more traumatic times are the ones that i feel spawned better posts, but that might not be what you take away from reading. it makes it hard to separate myself from them, and if you think of one specifically, i'd love to know, if you would be so kind.

additionally, if you think i'm an asshole or a saint, you can tell me that, too. if any of you are of the male persuasion, i'm really interested to know that. i think that, because the majority of my posts feel like a big ass bitchfest, i assume that only women would read it and tolerate it. that only women would be interested or be able to relate to my writing. so if that is not the case, i would really love to know. i feel like i've messaged someone i follow anonymously on blogger before, to tell them what their blog meant to me. you can feel free to do that as well.

i look to a lot people for advice, because in many ways i'm in uncharted waters here. don't be afraid to tell me. i can take it, i promise...

* * * UPDATE * * *

ever just called me. and because i'm me, i answered.

hilarity ensues.

where to even start?

some things that will help to understand the conversation: ever acts like a grandpa most of the time, ever is disorganized, ever sucks at math, ever is irresponsible, ever makes me wonder if he is playing dumb or is actually that dumb, ever has forgotten how to plan ahead/think of the big picture since i left.

i will start by saying that the conversation lasted for an hour. on a saturday night, between 9 and 10 pm. i am perfectly aware that he was home alone, sad, sick, and probably trying to figure out if i was home. he's the biggest baby when he is sick, and because i was his mother, i used to cater to his whining, and bring him medicine and whatever. maybe this has been the hardest thing for him to get over since i left - how awful it is to be sick and alone. i think i've been sick three times since i left. and they all sucked. they made me want my mom. but i think that, for the same reason, they make him want me to talk to him and somehow make him feel better?

that being said, i guess i answered because i wanted him to tell me specifics about the bills, and what i hoped to gain from the conversation was a specific list of what had to be paid before thursday, when he moves out. and to try to get the figure well below the $1400 he was asking for.

so i answered his call and asked what he was calling about. he said he wanted to go over the bills and give me the exact figures for the money he needed.

so he said that the two he'd sent me were right. one was almost $600. one that he'd said was about $500 ended up being almost $800. and then he found a few more bills (through this long drawn out process of digging through mail and telling me to hang on while he tried to find what he was looking for).

now, if it was me, i would have organized myself before a phone call like this. especially since i'd be asking a huge favor. i would have put it all together and taken about ten minutes of his time out of consideration for him, the fact that he was willing to talk to me on the phone at all.

but that is not how he approached the situation.

after 30 or so more minutes, i had a list of bills that totaled $1700. and then, he started adding in moving costs, saying he had $6 to his name. he needed to secure the truck, pay for the storage unit, and borrow money for gas and for the dudes, to pay them a small chunk to move him out and into storage. so that nothing was left to chance on moving day. because he doesn't have a back up plan.

all told, the amounts he gave me were over $2300. i know this because he said, 'can you add that up for me?'

when i told him the total, i heard in his voice the realization that two thirds of his second payment were spent just to get out of the house and start over. it was sad. he was sad. but he knows that this is what has to happen. i explained to him for a while that he will have bills streaming in for a few weeks after he is out for the month of february, so this is not the end of it. it took some clarifying, but i think he eventually got it.

he kept trying to present stuff to me as if it was helping me out. and i had to keep reminding him that none of this is for me at all. that he let himself get so far behind that he didn't have any other choice. he said more than once that he was doing his best in the little amount of time he was given. that it's a short month, and he was only given three weeks to make everything happen. and i told him that it was his own fault. that he had months to tell me that he was in trouble, specifically when i started noticing that he was struggling and asking him about it in november. that, if he had told me then, he could have had months to prepare for this. he could have avoided adding all this expense.

he told the story about how it was that i saw him in court looking how he did, without saying that specifically. he had fallen up the stairs and tumbled down almost the whole flight in the house, because he was shoveling snow and had left his ipod on the third floor. he came back in to get it and fell. and had to go to the e.r. because he couldn't see straight and had broken two fingers. that was why he had the glasses. they made him wear glasses for two weeks after until his vision issue cleared up. he must have been seriously fucked up. retardedly stoned.

what's ironic about that is that, at the mediation, and in conversation when i had first left, i told him that leases were important in case something happened to the roommates, like falling down the stairs. that we needed to protect ourselves, that i wanted to be protected even if he didn't, because they could sue us. and he basically laughed at me and said nothing was going to happen. that no one was going to fall down the stairs. and then he fell down the stairs. pretty ironic. it's too bad ever is learning every single lesson in his life the hard way lately. sucks to be him.

i started asking if there was something else to discuss about halfway through because i wanted to be off the phone. he was just dragging his feet and i was running out of patience. and i kept asking, 'is there anything else?' and he would say, 'ummm...yeah.'

i started to feel like he was just wasting my time intentionally. trying to keep me on the phone. repeating himself. telling me how stressed he was and how having the money ahead of time would help him feel better.

i said more than once that this was not my problem. these were not my problems. that this was not my fault. and that it is not my place to fix these things for him.

i was starting to get short with him and he said, 'are you always this mean?'

i was kinda floored. i said, 'you want mean? mean is saying fuck you, you get paid when you move out.'

and he said that i was right and the he was sorry. damn straight, douchebag. something about biting the hand that feeds you. what an idiot.

at another point in the conversation, he was questioning why i wasn't more willing to cough up all the money upfront. that he was trying to start me out at zero, and what was the problem?

so i told him that it was his responsibility to start me out at zero. that's not a favor. and that the big deal is two pronged. not only is he asking me to hand over the only leverage i have over him, but also that we have a legal contract. and that if i break it, it's just as illegal as if he breaks it.

and he made some dig about our marriage being a legal contract, and that i didn't have a problem breaking that. and i corrected him and said, 'it WAS a legal contract. it is no longer binding, because it is no longer a valid legal contract. do you have something else to talk about?'

he had nothing to say about that. but went on to some other bill.

i was pretty proud of myself for that, actually. i'm getting better at witty comebacks and thinking on my toes, perhaps?

the conversation was an hour of hilarity. when i got off the phone with him and started chatting with nina about it, i was cracking up.

he had hung up to call and see what time the storage place was closing (today, sunday). i told him not to call me back. and he asked why. and i repeated, 'because i don't want to talk to you. i'm done.'

and he said, 'i'm going to call you back. i just want to tell you what time they close.'

i was on chat with her, and trying to get off the phone with him. asking where i put my gun. and told her i said/he said. and kept going on with things i said. and she thought they were directed at her.

'look, i have plans. my phone is blowing up. i don't want to be on here with you all night. i have shit to do!'

and she said something about not meaning to pry, that she was just trying to understand. and i was laughing and feeling bad all at the same time.

i said, 'oh my god. no, i was saying that to him! i would NEVER talk to you like that!'

it was really funny, and talking on the phone was much better, even though we were trying to facetime, but were both working our computers. my phone fell on its side, she asked if i was trying to make her throw up. she was leaned up against a bag of puffcorn. it was pretty funny.

he called back saying the place closed at noon.

what that meant was this: i have to wake up on my off day to go to the atm to pull out a cash advance for him to have it to him by 11 so he can get over there in time.

i said, 'excuse me? do you realize what you're asking me to do? absolutely not! those are too many fucking hoops. i am not doing that.'

and he actually said, 'you could just go tonight so you don't have to do it in the morning.'

'are you serious right now?'

he was. i told him he was insane.

got off the phone telling me what time he needed to go to the other place. he texted me and i didn't check it. until this morning. then this morning i took him $400. told him to hang onto some of it. made him sign the deposit ticket. hopefully he is for real.

and later, when kit came over for a cigarette and i told her the whole story, i laughed more. but when i sat down to finish writing this out, from all that laughing, i felt completely defeated and sad. and i couldn't make myself write it out, explaining the whole story for a third time last night. so i woke up a little early this morning to do that.

and wrote in the car, then more at the cafe where i met lauren while i waited for her to arrive. and now again at home.

i'm leaving funny bits out. but the kicker was the very last 'is there anything else?'

because his response was, 'yeah... can i have some money for food?'

this, dear readers, is why i fucking left his dumb ass.

really? all of your hundreds of friends, all of the people you kept in the divorce, and you're asking ME for money? for FOOD??? what. the. fuck.

it begs the question, 'is this real life? is this forever?'

ever, it seems, will always look to me for help. and after already having put my foot down in a huge way once, i'm somehow surprised that he is still asking for help.

the thing is, after friday, he won't have any more help to get from me. what i'm mad about is that i keep forgetting to ask him where his new place is. because i'm horrified that it is most likely in the same neighborhood. that i will run into him walking the puppy from time to time. that he'd someday (i hope) see me walking into the house with some hot boy that i'm going to take upstairs and have my way with, repeatedly.

i don't want to see him. and though his neediness and the repeated phone calls were really annoying, i was trying to explain to kit that someday, i can see myself being available to talk to him on the phone, as a friend. i know it will take a long time of being completely independent of me, of being officially divorced from me, of getting over the fact that i abandoned him and that i don't love him any more. but it felt good to laugh, especially at his expense (he laughed, too), and shake my head at him.

because for so long since i left, i have spent so much time being so angry at him and hating him. and i don't quite understand how it is that surviving that conversation without hating him even happened. but above all, i want him to get his shit together. and i can't understand how his present situation didn't prompt it.

how he could get so far gone, do nothing to change it, ask me to bail him out, and keep plugging along.

whatever. now i'm just sorry for him. and if i can take ten minutes to explain budget-related things to him, and he retains it somehow, and applies it, then i'm okay with that.

as long as it doesn't require looking at him while he is talking to me, i think i can handle it and not keep him from growing up.

we will see. it will be a while.

nina said it well last night. she said it was so sad that he won't do anything to change his situation. and thanked me for doing something about the one where i was in it with him.

it does feel good to have reassurance. from the moment i left, in the darkest first few months, in the best summer of my life since the one where i was 19, through the saddest winter in a long time, and even now that it's over but not over.

all along the way, i've been shown that i did the right thing. that i made the right choice. and that i got out before his shit got somehow worse than it was when i left him.

that's enough for the surprises. i'm hoping there are no more. i've had plenty. i used to love surprises. i don't know that i can say that i do now. maybe after the bad ones are finished, i'll appreciate them again.

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