pun intended. february 15th.

for the first time, i'm not sifting through a box full of empty valentine's day candy wrappers, trying to find what candy ever didn't eat, and left behind for me to try to find.

i remember writing about it when i first left him, but i'll revisit, in honor of valentine's day.

i think it's funny now, looking back, that i put the majority of the food on our table. we didn't actually have a table that we ate at. so i guess it would be more accurate to say that i put it in the house.

and he was notorious for taking things i bought for myself, and eating them when he couldn't sleep at night. it got to be so bad that i would buy two of everything, so he had his own. and he would still eat mine.

half gallons of ice cream and oreos, specifically. he wasn't above 'confusing' our christmas stockings, which i filled with candy, and eating all of it. but it drove me absolutely batty that he would put the empty wrappers back.

even if it was just a bag of snack size candy bars. he refused to unwrap things and throw the wrappers away.

i started buying things he didn't like for myself. anything with coconut in it. and he would eat it anyway.

in the end, i would get so mad that i would cry and scream at him. 'what the FUCK? i bought you two things of ice cream! why did you eat mine?'

'because i couldn't sleep.'

and in the end, i used to make him walk to the store to replace what i wanted when i discovered it was missing. especially in the wintertime. saying as he refused to go to the store with me, and acted like a grandpa when he did, slowing me down unbelievably. and for the most part, he'd always be 'busy' when i got home with twenty bags of groceries. in the house, it was easier, because it was up five steps of a stoop. in the apartment we had for five years, it was up three stories to the kitchen. and he'd show up to help more often than not on the last trip inside.

it's going to take a while to break myself of thinking that these things are normal. that chivalry isn't dead. that someone i have a future relationship with will actually respect me and appreciate me. that men sometimes shovel the sidewalk and dig the car out. that they help you carry things.

i'm telling you now... when i find a guy that cooks and bathes and cleans and cares about what i think, and takes care of me in bed, and respects me, and wants to be around me, and takes me out to dinner and actually PAYS for it? holy shit... i might die of shock. but if i don't die, i wonder how many times i'll have to be exposed to boys like that to start to believe that there is more than just one in the world.

and that i should continue playing the lottery, because i just got really fucking unlucky when i went to the bar the night i met him.

this is written on the heels of a less than thrilling valentine's day. don't get me wrong - it was great. it was fun. it seems that, daily, i'm reminded of the caliber of friends i have surrounded myself with.

but i guess the reason it didn't feel thrilling was that i had intended to flirt my ass off at work. and when it came down to it, part of it can only be described as chickening out. which i am at least consistent in doing. but something else happened.

i was genuinely surprised when caterpillar came in the morning. he's a 1pm coffee kinda dude. and so when he came through at 930, he caught me totally off guard. and kim and pam did the typical set spike setup. pam asked me to get milk, kim said she'd get it, and i turned to help the guy at the register. who just happened to be him.

and i said, 'wow. this is early for you. what happened? you extra tired today?'

i know. i'm an idiot.

and he said he always brings coffee from home, but that he'd run out of beans.

and i might have audibly sighed. i mean, he has beans at home? and he makes coffee?? what a dreamboat!

and that was it. no flirting. no small talk. out the door with a stupid 'see you later'.

oh, but if only it ended there...

no. he came back. still way before his normal time. maybe at 11. with some short blond girl.

oh, shit...

yeah, that's right. his girl is kinda vanilla. but she's in research, too. so she's smart. honestly, i couldn't look either of them in the eyes, so i don't really know who she was. i'd certainly never remember her later. it felt like an alpha male type of a thing, where she had him and i looked away because i shouldn't be looking at him, and she totally has the upper hand.

he paid for her diet yogurt.


and the girls were trying to help. and pam asked if he was coming back later for coffee, because he didn't want any then. and she answered for him.

wait. what?

she said he'd be back later. and then he said he'd be back later for coffee. and in reality, he did not come back.

we were all taken aback.

and they left together and i think i just stood there deaf/dumb/mute. and they walked out, and i realized that was most definitely the girlfriend.

and they walked out the door, and stood outside the glass doors. and i stood behind the machine, where we have cups stacked way over our eyes. and said, 'oh my god - he's going to kiss her. i can't look!'

but the person inside of me who knows that denial isn't just a river parted the cups slightly, and watched as he bent slightly and swooped sideways to kiss her. and that was when i looked away. it was sweet and romantic. it was fucking valentine's day.

and the girls said that he kissed her on her cheek. three times.

are you kidding me? on valentine's day? pretty much the only day it's widely acceptable to suck face in public. and you give him your cheek? ugh. i see that much action from robbie, who is NOT my boyfriend.

it sucked. it reminded me of coffee. i had been doing so well.

it reminded me of hearing he had a girlfriend. and thinking i wanted to know who, because surely she was more awesome than me, and i'd be happy that he's happy. that it would be good and end all those stupid crushy feelings that have absolutely no validity.

and the same thing happened. she was a total BITCH. and i was like, really?? this girl?? are you shitting me???

ugh. the worst. same type of chick. calls the shots. tells him what he will and won't do.

and when we didn't see him today, we said, 'oh hell no! you know that bitch isn't letting him come over here to say hi unaccompanied.'

and it felt exactly like coffee's girl popping up everywhere he invited me to go.

i know. it's really stupid. i could never date a guy who wears jeans that are baby blue in hue. i know. he is a total geek, and not in a good way.

but he has been my biggest crush at work all these months since he first showed his face.

and like coffee, it's time to start burying all those stupid feelings, and time to explain to myself logically why it would never ever work out between us.

i write all of this, laughing with tears in the corners of my eyes, smiling. but it was a sad day.

luckily, it was crazy busy and went by quickly, and kit and lauren left at the same time i did to hit happy hour.

it was fun to hang out as three, and when kit went home to have a skype date with her boy, lauren and i had fun as just two also.

and when realtor was an hour late, i had to text her that i was going home. because three beers in, i was beat and full and not really feeling like being there any more.

so i walked lauren to the bus and came home and watched some internet tv and passed out.

it was a good night. it totally saved the day that i had.

and what's funny is that, just writing that last sentence, i am suddenly very aware of an old habit that might be resurfacing.

i used to let interactions with boys dictate how happy i was. and if i didn't get what i wanted from them, i was devastated. one boy could singlehandedly ruin or make my day with one sentence.

and i am over-dramatizing caterpillar. but it really did put a damper on my fun.

i'll have to be careful.

i cannot slip back into that.

but i'm overly ready to have some fun.

there was no caterpillar today. either they called out because he proposed to her and swept her away, or she cracked the whip, or he realized she was a bitch and dumped her ass and was too sad to come to work today. my mind runs from me at times.

i guess it gives it time to sink in.

the other boyfriend came by today, the one who smiles sideways. and i tried to flirt with him a little, but i don't know that it came off okay. plus he said he had a great valentine's day, so it wasn't off to the best start.

kim was giving him a hard time for not coming by to be our valentine. as in the three of us. and i said, 'it's okay. your girl doesn't have to know...'

i thought it was funny, but in hindsight, maybe it just sounded off. or desperate.

and then? then something amazing happened.

and by amazing, i mean retarded. god, if kit reads this post, she will HURT me.

so there's this boy joey.

he comes by for coffee like once every other month. really really infrequently. but he's really loud and really tall and really funny. the last couple times he came by, we discussed his tattoos, because he has full sleeves that extend to his hands. and he looks like he would smell, but he doesn't. kinda ratty jeans and flannel shirts. he's cute, though.

and so we usually chitchat when he does come by.

the last time he came by, he went to leave the building (god, it's bad - i'm laughing so hard that i'm shaking the laptop right now, and tearing up simultaneously), he walked into the window.

apparently, it happens all the time. i have only seen it once. the entire building is glass. and there are huge flat panes of glass on either side of the door. and people who aren't paying attention think it's the door and smack into it. it is always loud. the one day i saw it happen, i laughed for hours. and i am not one of those people who laugh when people fall down. but seeing people try to walk through windows is funny.

when joey did it, we heard it but didn't know what it was. and greg the guard came over and said we should tell our friend not to walk into the glass next time he comes by.

that was a while ago. but greg thinks he's dumb because he walked into the window.

today, something funny happened. he came over and stood in front of me for a second. i wasn't paying attention, and he said hi. he has a really deep loud voice, so it got my attention, and i said hey blah blah how's it going whatever.

he asked if i wanted to see his new tattoo. i said sure.

so he took off one of his shirts. but the way he did it was so funny. i'm sure i looked nervous. i had no idea where the tattoo was going to be. i half expected him to unbuckle his pants, or pull his shirt up to show his belly. but it was on his upper arm.

he asked if i could tell who it was, and i knew that i knew it. but i couldn't say. it was hannibal lecter. alright. whatever. great movie. but really? dudes face on your arm? alright.

anyways, he wanted coffee, so he put his clothes back on and i grabbed his coffee. handed it to him. and asked him what kind of research he does.

fucking NEUROSCIENCE. does that automatically make him a genius, or can anyone do neuroscience research? i don't know. i like to think that he is super smart, and that he likes fucking with people by throwing them off by appearances.

he walked away and kim was just looking at me shaking her head.

and when she does that, i crack up. like, 'what is it this time?'

and so, very carefully she said, 'you really didn't hear that?'

and i'm all, 'hear what?'

and she said, 'he said "let's do it. pun intended."'


i guess that when he asked if i wanted to see his tattoo and i said sure, he said 'let's do it. pun intended.'

how the fuck i missed it, i will never know.

this is just how oblivious i am. i actually like this dude. i'd go out with him in a heartbeat because he's hysterical and i think he'd be fun to drink with and hang out with.

she said it was so loud, she heard it and cracked up.

i can't believe i missed it.

god. i could have said, 'what's for dinner?' or, 'you have to buy me a drink first', or something else suggesting i'm not totally easy.

but i fucking missed it. and now, when he comes back in like another month, i'll have to be there. and see him. and think of something witty to say as a nudge back.

in any case, that is joey.

he might be my next easy target.

it could be as simple as, 'you should come have a beer with me sometime.' he said before that he spends all of his money on cheap beer and expensive tattoos.

that is all it would take.

i'd break my 'i won't fuck/date customers rule', because he only comes by like once a month or every other month. so it would be okay. he's not a regular. he certainly doesn't come more than once a day.

so if it went poorly, it would be one uncomfortable exposure to him once in a blue moon. or he just wouldn't come by at all, ever.

i can totally deal with that.

he originated our punch card wall of shame for our regulars. his card has been there for over a year. and now he has a free drink waiting, which i pointed out to him. so hopefully he comes by sooner than later.

i'll keep you posted.

and in dating site news, there's really no news.

i got another message and another wink. from more dudes i am not attracted to. i am up to i guess five so far.

part of me loves the fact that it shows who you visit and who visits you. a couple cuties looked at my profile. i hate that, if i go back to look at them, they know. and because i panic in the moment and shut down their profile, if i go back again, it will show up again. what a mess.

especially because i am supposed to rate them. because, if they rate me, and we both rate each other highly, it suggests that we contact each other. so now i have to go back to every single one i liked and note that i like them. because now i know it's anonymous, so i don't worry about marking the majority of them as 1s.

i really didn't want to know that some sixty-something year old biker dude looked at my profile yesterday. GROSS.

i'll keep you guys posted about that as well.

i guess that, all things considered, it was a mellow valentine's day.

i was smoking with lauren when i realized that a year ago, i told ever i wanted out. i knew it going into v day, but hadn't actually re-realized it yesterday.

and because i am definitely still in shock about it, it's not exciting or freeing or sad either.

i keep feeling nothing.

and i keep fearing it hitting me when i go 'home'. to the house. to live.

i know it will be fun and wonderful to have people over, to cook, all the things i listed out for myself in that other post.

but i'm afraid of being there alone. or un-alone with roommates i don't know. i'm afraid of being alone there at night. in the dark. i'm afraid that i will feel the full weight of being divorced and lonely and sad once i am back there. that every moment i am there will serve as the reminder. all the miserable days and nights i spent crying in that house, in my room, on my bed, on the back deck in the sun summer before last. how all i wanted was out. and how all i get now is to go back.

that it will hurt more than i think it will. like exposure therapy. submerging myself in the place that made me wish i could undo the past ten years of my life. for several months.

as is typical for me, it's a bipolar post. laughing and being excited about boys, and then feeling like i should probably be crying over my divorce being final.

up down. up down.

manic. depressed. sleeping too much. not sleeping enough.

i wish there was a method to it. i get fed up with the surprises most of the time.

i hate the sunday nights up until 4 am occasions. and the didn't get out of bed on saturday occasions.

i hate feeling really slaphappy and then becoming momentarily quiet, and wondering why i'm so bummed out all of a sudden.

it happens all the time. and i don't know if there is a pattern to it, because the waves are so infrequent that it's not like mapping my period every month.

and it doesn't correlate to that, which would be the best and the easiest.

it feels completely random.

forgive me for not writing for a few days.

tomorrow is suck store. i'm sure i'll have lots of time to write there. maybe i'll have some deeper issues to broach. maybe i'll get to the root of something.

but for tonight, i am done.

thanks, friends, for making my valentine's day better than tolerable.

thanks, friends, for supporting me over the last year. and to a couple of you, who knew before the rest, the last year and a half.

it's nice to write. it's nice to be read.

No comments:

Post a Comment