yeah. so that was a lot to digest.
sorry about that.
what's crazy is that i went to bed at 10 last night. after all that writing, put on a few episodes of nip/tuck to try to sleep to. but i was wide awake, so i kept watching the next one and the next one.
i didn't let myself smoke again, even though i wanted to. and i couldn't drink more. because i just couldn't. i had to get up super early and it was super late, and i'd already had my two beers for the night.
all i wanted to do, last night at that exact moment, was to go back on vacation. the feeling and desire to run away is so totally overwhelming.
i stayed in my bed.
but i kept rolling over, tossing and turning, unable to get comfortable and unable to find a cold spot on any of my four pillows to fall asleep on, and thinking of something. sitting up to write it down. and try to go to sleep again.
i did that until well after midnight.
it was awful. and knowing i was waking up at 545 made me want to cry.
it was strange. i kinda cried. it was more like having really teary eyes. my face didn't crinkle or anything.
but i was laying in bed, eyes watering at the thought, 'i just want to be touched.'
why is it that i let him have so much power over me?
i'm the ice queen with him now. because cold and distant from him is so easy. i cannot believe i was ever with him. standing across from him yesterday, there were absolutely no fond feelings toward him. there was no 'i used to hold his hand' thoughts that created warm fuzzies.
instead, i stood across from him thinking, 'holy FUCK! i used to SLEEP with HIM???? gross!'
and despite that little mental freakout on my part, last night it kept looping:
i just need human contact.
even if it was my mom touching my hair. mom comforting works. and friend hugs are awesome.
but being touched anywhere by a boy is a different ball of wax. even if it's a brush of my hand. or playing with my curls. i want chills and warm fuzzies.
and because it's how my head works, i kept ending up back on ever. not in a relevant way. but i'd get sad about being alone and then think of him again. or think about hanging with a boy, and pesky ever would end up back in the way. blocking my mental path away from him.
it's like seeing someone standing in the road, and not being able to make them out. and it bothers you, and they always catch your attention. and then pulling up next to them, and realizing it's the deranged murderer you saw on tv and mashing the gas.
ever sneaks into my mind like that. i can be thinking about anything. happy, sad, sexy, whatever. and then he just pops up and ruins anything. everything.
then last night, i thought, 'why am i letting him keep me awake right now? why do i still feel bad? why do i alternate between sadness, and hatred, and impatience?'
and, 'why can't he just let me go? really, truly, release me.'
i ended up sitting up in bed, drinking a glass of water, and taking an ativan. after i had just bragged to shrink about not taking one in a while, and not even wanting to until court. i guess that about 30 minutes later, i was asleep. it had to have been around 1 am.
and this morning, i had to talk to myself for quite a while to make myself get out of bed. because i was tired and teary eyed. and i just wanted to revert to childhood 'but i don't waaaaaannaaaaaa go to wooooooork!' and whine and kick and cry instead.
and get my way, because that is all i want most of the time. no matter what i am referring to.
another part of last night's discomfort was that i woke up with a literal pain in my neck yesterday before court. actually, it was a pain in my chest, too.
somehow, i guess i left my neck suspended between a pillow and my mattress, and slept really deep. so i must have overextended all the muscles connecting my chest to my head. and it wasn't like waking up with a kink in my neck. it was sore achy muscles. enough to make me fear i was getting the flu. so i walked around with that all day. and last night, i couldn't find a way to sleep that didn't hurt.
and it's still weird today, but last night was rough.
so i wrote a while back about reading this book called 'awakening intuition'. and while i take parts of it with a grain of salt, part of it has felt real to me. and ever's heart issues since i broke his heart, paired with the episode of nip/tuck i watched just before i fell asleep dealing with psychosomatic symptoms.
and my pain in the neck. it all fit pretty neatly together, in my head, last night.
maybe if ever stopped being a total crazy dickhead, and started to deal with all the reasons why i left and take some responsibility for himself, his heart problems would subside. i definitely think it presented itself after i left for a reason.
just like i think it's firing up again now for a reason.
call me crazy, but i do think there's some validity to this.
last night, i left off something important that kit said, after the bit about the owner last night.
she thinks that ever changing his deal to be about buying me out of the house was just about him trying to shake me up and get money out of me.
so i freak out and have a meltdown. because he changed his mind again. and then get so frustrated that i say something like, 'here! fucking take the $12k!! i'm done with you!'
and i bet that she is precisely right.
leave it to him to do absolutely nothing, save for opening his mouth, and get more responses out of me.
i am so grateful that i saw my shrink when i did two weeks ago. and when i did yesterday.
because so many things between then and now would have gone so differently if i had let myself get all wrapped up and caught up in his drama and craziness.
i'm repeating myself here. i can be done now. i just had a little more, leftover.
now i'm going to put together my offer to him.
it's going to be outrageous. i'm such a vindictive bitch that i just want to send him a note that says:
'$100k. $60k wired to me overnight. $40k when i say i've signed everything. cash only. otherwise, the deal is off.'