appraisal. june 1st.

i gotta give the guy some credit.

for being a total dick, he sure has a nice way of making it look like he's doing me favors and being giving.

but goddamn.

i have a splitting headache.

i've been scrambling all night to get rid of anything that is email-attached to him.

he sent me this email, the first line was something about hoping that i can figure out how to be his friend.

sounds nice, right?

then launches into this whole thing about how he has a couple of people interested in helping him buy me out of the house.

i do not understand what he cannot get. he will be stuck at square one. he will not get a mortgage. he was implying that someone in his family will help him buy me out by cosigning. but he doesn't realize that he has to get approved first. what can he not understand about the fact that no one in their right mind would lend to him?

he is basically saying he has investors. where he has found investors and lawyers aplenty i cannot fathom. but, whatever. it's to my benefit, the investor part. because it means that it would happen sooner than later.

so he was asking me for an amount of money; what it would take for me to be off the mortgage. and i know he's trying to get me to put into writing that i want x amount of money from the sale of the house.

so i told him in an email back, get the house appraised and we'll go from there.

i know that the house is worth more than he thinks. and he keeps downplaying it. but i'm not stupid. if it hadn't increased in value in the last year, i wouldn't believe that. but he knows full well that we got shafted on our appraisal. so if he thinks i'm going with that figure, he can fuck himself.

and then i told him to take the money for my parents and the credit card off the top. and that we then split the difference.

and then, in closing, he said that he is working on the website and that he didn't realize i still had my email account through him, and can he close it out.

he knows i use that account for everything. and i told him that i didn't think there was a limit on how many user accounts he could have. but that if he really needed to close it, that i need some time to switch everything over.

so that is what i spent my entire night doing.

and maybe this is all an elaborate ruse to keep me from doing what i should be doing. which is meeting with my lawyer.

but whatever.

i was freaking out, because when he closes my account, the catchall will get my emails. which means all of my email will go to him. which scares the piss out of me.

kit was more pissed than me. and she kept yelling at me (in a nice way) to stop fucking around, and get down to business.

but this is the thing i can't explain enough. to anyone.

all i want is to be out.

and i wasn't in it to make a bunch of money. and he has no money to take.

if i can get my name off the mortgage and get out of debt and never have to talk to him again, then i will be happy about that.

yes, i need to pay my debt off. yes, i need to pay my parents back.

but if i only get a little more than that, i am done with him. and there's no two year attachment. and i don't ever have to talk to him again if i don't want to.

and that is worth something to me right now.

sure, i want to get the money back that i put into him. and sure i want to reap the benefit of all of the work i did on the house, and that my family did on the house, and what we saw in it when we first set foot in it.

but i don't want to pay a lawyer a huge chunk of money. does it really matter who is fucking me and taking advantage of me if someone is literally getting paid? whether it is him or the lawyer, i don't feel like it does. because either way, it's still not me.

i know that this doesn't make sense. i know that any woman in her right mind would sue his pants off. take him for everything, and leave him empty handed.

but i will always feel like i took everything when i left. i took my self, my income, i took his meals and his support system when i left him.

and i know that working on this guilt will help me to regain the desire to have what is due me.

but until then, i just want it to be over.

i don't want to see him looking at me and talking down to me.

i want to be my own person. who can move on. and yes, having a big chunk of cash in savings is how i should move forward.

and really, i should be happy that he is trying to buy me out now.

i just happen to have a clue that it is seriously impossible for him to do that.

or really really unlikely.

is it the millionaire girlfriend of one of his 'employees'? is it the rich doctor across the street who buys real estate for a second living?

who would be stupid enough to say 'this woman left him because of his gross mismanagement of money. i know! i'll give him a bunch of my money because i believe in what he does.'

yeah. welcome to my world, idiots. i believed in him, too. it's a lot like those people who give to the televangelists. blind faith. and like me, most of them can't afford it.

but he's a good salesman. he's a smooth talker. he had me going for years.

i spent this much time saying that he's a good guy, but he's just not right for me anymore. a guy who is a dreamer, and that he deserves good things to happen in his life.

but after tonight, i don't know that i'm so sure.

really, after sunday.

it's like, 'hey. ever. let the shit hit the fan and come down before you fling more up there, dude.'

only no one is telling him that.

i finished off my email to him by warning that i intend to go to a show later next month. and to tell the lesbians who want to kick my ass so they can start getting ready now.

i don't know... it was dumb to make it personal. but he told me a while ago that there were a bunch of angry lesbians who thought i was a total bitch for leaving him. and who all wanted to physically harm me.

and to that, i say, 'how could you even possibly understand what i have been going through? how could you know what it is like to be married to a guy like that? you still have your life. you still have your dreams. you still have your hope. and that is all gone from me now. so fuck you. beat me to a bloody pulp if you want. it's not going to change a thing.'

some sad sucker is going to come along next. and give and give. and he will take and take. because that is what he's been doing his whole life, and what he knows best.

he'll bleed you dry.

you have been warned.

i don't know.

maybe i'm blowing this all out of proportion. but i don't think that i am. i'm really honing in on the angry girl ranting thing right now.

i think that between the conversation on sunday, and what happened tonight, that he is probably pretty serious about what he is saying and doing.

and i think that i do need to play hardball with him. or risk losing more than i bargained for.

but i also know that the harder i come at him, the longer this whole thing will take.

and that the more i try to regain, the more he will fight me.

so, ever... got some more news for you:

you do not scare me. you can inconvenience me all you like, and harrass me, and belittle me.

nothing is worse than being your wife, so it's all an improvement.

if i have to pay some perfect stranger ten thousand dollars when all is said and done, i might just have to do that.

you wanna fuck with me? i'll sell that house faster than you can say appraisal.

you were not a housewife. you didn't contribute to our marriage. so you get nothing that resembles more spousal support.

and i'm taking it all back.

so look ready. remember when you said i declared war on you? well that was just a hint of what you're about to encounter. that was when i still felt like being nice to you. all this feeling bad nonsense is rapidly coming to an end.

it's just an idea of what you're about to go through.

if you want to be a dick, be a dick. but just like it's going to cost me, it's going to cost you, too. lawyers don't pay their bills by helping some 35 year old man child who smokes weed all day, pro bono.

and while you're on your high horse, thinking it's so easy to pay the bills and the morgage, you can fuck yourself. you're only doing it right now because you have two people who are stupid enough to do it for you. lucky you. you did it. for ONE MONTH. fucking quitter.

those people are suckers. god, i feel sorry for them. living with you and your ways. don't worry. it might still be novel. and maybe even kindof fun not being alone. but just wait. that shit will get old pretty fast.

it seems great now, because you're getting them to do work for you, and to pay for things to work on the house. right now, you're winning.

oh, and, yeah. one more thing...

still totally fucking hate you.

it's all glitter, guys. glitter and hype and pomp.

it will fade.

and you'll be holding some scrap of paper, thinking 'but you said...'

just like me.

just wait.

i'll do my best to speed it along. to end the insanity. to get you out of there before you make huge sacrifices, like the ones i made.

i'm going to be fine. as long as i'm not stuck with his last name anymore, i'll be just fine.

and just because i'm hesitating to call the lawyer and fork over a bunch of cash, it doesn't mean that i'm not in a hurry.

we're about to fast track this thing.

just you wait and see.

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