all of my hair is going to fall out.
if my shower drain is any indication, i'm well on my way.
i read that if my part doesn't widen, i shouldn't worry.
but i still do. every morning when i shower.
i'm worried that soon there will be nothing left.
so i emailed kenna tonight. i wanted her to know where i am mentally, because i just don't have the ability to make things look better than they are anymore.
i'm tired. i can't get enough rest to not be.
i start out tired.
i woke up at 630. got out of bed at like 830.
i think i am in a depressed state. i've been this way for a while.
i had a moment of excitedness last night.
i checked my email after midnight and had the hardest time falling asleep because we got our confirmation for dark sky.
i honestly laughed and cried at the same time for a second when i read it.
i need this trip so badly.
i was sincerely bummed when i gave up hope on getting in.
now that i have it back, i have something to look forward to.
i know for a fact that when i'm there, none of this will matter. at least for two and a half days.
we'll come home exhausted. but enlightened and inspired.
kit needs it more than i do.
but i need the healthy escape.
because the little walks to the bar every night are starting to blur together and saying that i don't want to do it doesn't make it any less likely to happen.
i see the shrink in the am. i'm glad. but i also think i'm going to cry. and that doesn't make me look forward to going.
it's funny. i'm excited to talk about chalk weekend. because it was a success and because i did it and because i didn't go to old habits, and because i am glad i did it. because it feels good to do something different.
and be completely honest in my analysis of it.
with my psychoanalyst.
next week is going to be a nightmare. and there's no getting around it. but at least cat can put up a sign about closing the sucky store. because i cannot see a way to not do it right now.
it will be better.
i will get over it.
i just hate feeling like i'm not doing my job well, and i am killing myself in some ways, but not having any success with advancing.
manager posted something on her fb yesterday. a quote from the dalai lama about people putting their own interests above others creating a hard time for themselves.
it was very poetic. and maybe it is just me, but i felt like that was aimed at me.
and what's funny is that it is her own selfishness that cost her the job title.
i almost liked it. but didn't want to be so brazen.
sleep is my friend.
up at 7.
i'll have a lot to write tomorrow.
i'm glad that i'm more than halfway to a weekend. it's going to be nice to be alone and quiet and relaxing again.
so last night i found a ticket home for christmas.
$100 each way.
december 20 to january 4.
i want to do it.
eight days without pay.
i have to save up now for it.
and i have to buy it tomorrow if i want the sale price. if it's still available.
i hesitate, on the heels of what i just said about the job i'm doing right now.
i need to smarten up with my money.
i need to save, not spend.
i need to go back on something that resembles a diet so i stop eating fried food at bars every night and start cooking again.
if i ever feel better.
seems like i hit this point about once a month.
maybe it's blood loss.
maybe it's the beer.
maybe i'm just always going to feel like this.
it means that next week would traditionally be an awesome week.
guess that will have to wait until september when things level out a little.
it will be okay.
everything will be okay.
my new old as dirt mantra.
it will all be okay.