in a parallel universe... august 17th.

so i woke up today. on the dot.

turns out all that food and moodiness and bitchiness and sensitivity and headaches were for the reason i thought, just a week earlier than it was last month.

a relief. but also an unpleasant surprise.

it explains everything from this weekend. EVERYTHING.

so i left something out the other night when i wrote. not on purpose. i just didn't think of it while i was writing, since.

when i went to that dinner party with kit, the apartment the party was in... it's just incredible.

it was my third or fourth time there. i think fourth.

the couple who lives there is cool. i wrote about them before, because right when i left ever i went there, and they had a brand new baby and it made me nearly cry.

in any case, they bought a house and are moving very soon. so they were throwing their last dinner party there before the move.

and were asking every person who came in if they needed a place to live.

because they're trying to help the landlord out by getting a quality person in the place.

let me describe this apartment.

first of all, it's in a very posh neighborhood. i'd say up-and-coming, but it's already there.

first floor is an art gallery storefront.

it's on the block with one of the best bars in the city, a bowling alley, and a couple blocks from EVERYTHING in that section of town.

it's prime real estate, put lightly.

up the stairs to the second floor, the front door. you come in, and either go right to the bedrooms or left to the living room.

it's just gorgeous. exposed brick everywhere. spiral ductwork (industrial air conditioning ductwork that is exposed). wood floors.

huge open living room. with a balcony off of it, overlooking main street in the neighborhood.

gourmet kitchen.

maybe it's being stuck with such a shitty kitchen that makes this kitchen my dream kitchen.

dishwasher. awesome range. a bar that faces into the open kitchen.

then down a skinny hall to two rooms i haven't seen. a big bedroom and a tiny second room that they use as a nursery.

honestly, the same is the case for the bathroom. it was just redone. completely tiled out. it's kinda smaller, but has a washer and a dryer in it. and a big awesome tub.

so this is the thing:

for the same amount of money i pay right now, i could be sharing this space with someone. if i could share space with someone. if i could live in that neighborhood, it's on the opposite side of the city. really far from my work, as far as biking goes.

it's like i need a rich boyfriend who can swing it. it's perfect for a couple. it's really expensive, but not for what you get. it's literally double my rent, so i could not do it alone.

but fucking a.

i spent the whole night looking around.

if i could deal with a teeny bedroom and a roommate and moving and biking really far, i could live there.

quality of life.

wanting to be home all the time.

more access to this city's charms (bars/restaurants) than i have now, which is pretty hard to fathom.

stumbling distance to the club.

less than a block to the train.

and went out on the balcony to smoke. and almost finish everything is illuminated.

and just kept thinking about it.

and went home thinking about it.

and laid in bed thinking about it.

and two days later?

yeah. still thinking about it.

it's not an option.

i can't do it.

but it's just that feeling.

some day.

some day i'll love the place where i live and cook and sleep.

and i will live there and cook there and sleep there more.

i wonder if part of the amazingness of that apartment is just the people who live there and go to parties there.

their furniture is awesome, too, and it's not staying, so i can't really imagine it being empty.

maybe there will be pictures that i can post later.

it's really something.

in any case, tomorrow is delaware day. which means lots of driving and thinking and listening to music for me.

i both love and hate office days.

they give me a lot of fodder for bitching. but also a lot of time alone. and purchasing cheaper things like gas and cigarettes. and lottery tickets.

but i'm afraid of the time to think, in a way.

i can't seem to stop lately. and i don't like it.

it's been a lot of what if's.

and when if's.

i don't know what i want.

i don't know where i want it.

and all i feel is sadness right now, but there's no specific reason why.

fifty bucks i don't have says that i know by the end of my session on thursday at 830 with my shrink.

i'm interviewing another girl tomorrow.

taking it easy. because i worked way too hard today. and i think i found manager's replacement. which is a relief. she's not one of us. meaning, a punk in some way shape or form.

but she's good. or seems it.

tomorrow is her shift, we'll see how it goes.

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