motivation. august 19th.

things that motivate me:

dark sky park
vacation planning

things that make me happy:

dark sky camping
getting lost in the sky
a trip home not spent in a hospital
christmas with my family for the first time in eight years

it's only a little sad that i won't be there for another four months.

i think this christmas is going to be one for the books.

and every year i say that new years has significance for me.

because i believe that the way i spend new years is reflective of how i'll spend my year.

and new years at home? i don't know how that will be. if i'll be out. if i'll be with my family or my friends. if i'll be at a party. who i'll be around. if i'll be bored. if i'll change my mind about moving home. if i'll feel good or bad or happy or sad.

i didn't really think before i bought the ticket. i just did it.

because they were on sale. and because i wanted to have something good to look forward to.

i had a dream last night that i still remember.

i was with ash, an old employee who i'm friends with on fb, whose birthday was this week.

i don't know why, i haven't seen him in six years, but we were flying to amsterdam together or something. i got this ticket somehow. and we were going to the airport to fly out, and i realized that i didn't have a passport and that i had to cancel my ticket and that meant he was going alone.

it was strange. but i woke up. and i thought 'i really need to get my passport.' kit brings it up about once every couple weeks.

so the shrink was alright. i was struggling to find things to talk about, and she was talking to me more this time, which was good for me.

i think the biggest thing to come from today was when she said,

'you seem really unsettled. from what you're telling me and what i see when i look at you while you're talking.'

and if i didn't use that word before, it's a perfect synopsis.

she relates it to my dependence upon ever, to move forward. because i don't have control right now, and because i don't know what the next step is if he does nothing, it's creating anxiety.

which i'm perfectly aware of having.

this is the most stressed out i've been, and though it's mostly coming from work related stuff right now, ever is a source, too. i told her that i've been sad for a while, but can't pinpoint it. that i've been thinking about ever a lot, but not in a specific way, and that some days i want to go home and some days i don't.

that when it's a good day, i think i'll be bored. and when it's a bad day, i want the comforts of home.

and she thinks that is just because of the support i have there.

i told her that sometimes i just want a job with no responsibility. and she told me that when i get this stressed out about work, i need to ask for help.

and chalk's coming back.

i clarified a couple of important things before asking.

it's like the plane ticket.

i left the session after talking about it. and got in my car.

and got really excited thinking about asking chalk for a visit.

and got home after a productive day at work, and bought my ticket and asked him. well, he made a comment about coming over. and then i asked him.

so i have things to look forward to. and that makes me feel better.

especially the part about going home for two weeks.

it's going to be good practice for living there. and the halfway point from summer to summer.

it should be a good time. even without the pool.

there's always the hot tub...

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