strained and drained.

it's sunday.

i am not ready for the upcoming week.

i am not relaxed enough to start into a monday mentally prepared.

i didn't even manage to forget about ever over the weekend.

there was too much going on with too many references.

what was good was seeing a group of people who were mutual friends.

even though i didn't really feel like going, and completely feared awkwardness there, i took nate and kit with me, just in case. it was near the club, so it was mostly on the way.

but it was great. from what i could tell, everyone was genuinely happy to see me. they avoided the awkward questions.

and i didn't pry for info that i knew they'd have that i'm no longer privy to.

but it was fun. not awkward at all. and my biggest fear was that ever would show up. but i was nearly certain he wouldn't or else i wouldn't have gone.

and i was right.

and i ducked out of there so that i didn't have to see max, the one who quit without notice a couple weeks ago. another mutual friend of the birthday boy.

but it was good. it was nice to see all of them on my terms. and it felt good to do something with them, so they know that i'm not evil or bitter or any of the other things that ever has probably said to them since i'm not there to defend myself.

they all asked me how i was doing, and my smile spoke volumes, but telling them that i'm happy and great probably pushed it over the edge.

i was also relieved to not get the feeling that they thought any less of me for being so happy.

i guess that was another latent fear.

like, if they see ever all fucked up all the time, and then see me so happy, that they'd almost think i was some unfeeling bitch.

but i guess because i own my happiness, and because it shows me that i didn't make a mistake in leaving, maybe they'll see the difference in me. and maybe they will come to the conclusion that i was really tired and unhappy with ever. and maybe, somehow, someday, they'll understand that just because you see two people together, you don't see the threads that make up the fabric of their marriage. or that it's falling apart. or that the threads were polyester, not silk. or that the edges are all frayed and starting to unravel.

or that, in my case, the fabric has been so worn that it's not even really defined as fabric anymore.

i don't know. i hope that they can see all of that. that i'm still the sweet and accommodating person that i always was, just less a husband that was a dick.

and maybe now, after seeing me, they'll think a little more about why i can't see them in the places that i used to, because i'm not 'allowed'.

nate lit into me a couple times about ever. he unfriended him on facebook. and suggested that i get a restraining order against him.

suggested isn't the right word. he yelled at me because i told him i don't want to. and at one point, after a few beers, he said that someday if they find me with a slit neck or something, that at least they'd know where to start if i had a restraining order.

a bit dramatic, yes. but do you really think that i haven't thought it at least once? or that i'm less than certain that i should get one? because i'm sure i should. i just don't want it to effect the agreement and bargaining.

once the agreement is settled, i will get one.

and thank him for giving me the idea.

because i do wonder if he came by when i was with chalk. what are the chances of that timing?

i don't know. but the party was the right thing to do. and i got to see four people that i hadn't seen in six and eight months.

and somehow all seven of us avoided talking about ever. it was awesome.

so i'm happy. i'm glad to re-establish friendships with all of them. especially after knowing that ever had fed me the lie about two of them being the people who instigated trouble via facebook. because i know that he just put it off on them. and after seeing them and interacting with them, i am more certain of that than before.

and i said more than once to be in touch. invite me to things and i'll do the same. because i'm much less of a flake now that i was when i was with him. he never felt like doing anything in those days. and even though now he's mr social butterfly, i'm sure that they can deduce the changes that have made me the person i was before i met any of them.

everything else was mostly covered in the post that spanned a few days.

and now, monday.

what can i say about monday?

i have a lot to do this week. i need to make a list, but the thought of making a work list right now makes me want to vomit. so i won't.

but i've gotten behind again, despite having too little to do during the day. everything requires me being somewhere in person, and i didn't have that luxury this past week. maybe this week. it should be a relatively easy one, actually. not having to be stuck somewhere for eight hours will allow for some panini experiments, and a trip to delaware.

kenna's vacation must be coming to an end soon, so hopefully she'll be back in touch, too.

i don't know. there are a lot of little annoying errands to run as well, so this should be a week of catching up and feeling better.

and making some big changes with my employees as well. the ones that need an attitude adjustment, anyways.

now, a dinner party with kit. with a group of people who are smarter than me, but nice, and a lot of fun.

then, rest.

and, unfortunately, then, work.

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