payday. august 20th.

so i started my new plan today.

i wrote myself a check for $100. i'll have nine by the time i go home, to use instead of a pay check so i can go without being paid.

and pulled out cash to put in the can for spending money when i go home.

i'm getting excited about chalk already.

once he gets his ticket the countdown will begin.

it makes me okay with being bored and staying in on a friday night.

i did some much needed cleaning around here. and went to the laundromat for the first time in a year and a half, if not two.

it was nice to be done so quickly. this one is much cheaper than the old one. so that was a nice bonus.

cleaning while washing was good, with kit's company. and then the bar while things were drying was even better.

nachos for dinner? not so much. but whatever.

i'm tired of being tired and stressed.

yesterday fixed my head a little and today cemented it. easy day at work, feeling great about my new hire. she's adorable and very animated and the customers seem to like her, too.

even if dan and the ex-manager don't. let's name her, shall we? we'll call her crystal.

new girl is quinn.

i'm afraid that dan and crystal will be mean to her, in an effort to snub her. because, despite being over thirty, they're like working with high school kids.

and today, pam told them that her sister was coming back.

and crystal said, 'even with management? are you sure she's going to be happy here?'

i'm now the only manager.

she reiterated her point several times.

i want to slap her, but it won't knock any sense into her, so what difference would it even make?

none whatsoever.

i think i was hard on myself the second half of this week because of work.

it felt good to snap and make a decision with crystal. and dan's is coming soon.

i want quinn to understand how to do the ordering before i take it away from him, but something has to change, because his numbers are way out of whack.

i don't want to talk or think or write about work. just like i didn't want to at my session this week.

but it's all i could think about this week.

not even ever got that much space in my brain.

and it feels good to retreat from that.

everything at work is falling into place.

there is a certain amount of unexpectedness, but it's all fine. because i'll have two weeks behind me, and possibly a chalk visit under my belt. and a star party at the end of that week.

things are looking up, but i'm not really feeling it yet.

i get excited when i think about the stars and chalk, but it fades quickly.

i think i'm still recovering from nate's boring weekend here last week.

it made me kindof self-conscious, even though i normally wouldn't care.

just like tonight at the bar when samantha asked me where the guy was that i was all lovey dovey with.

i had to say he was visiting from florida, he's just a friend, and that he was my bunny slope.

it made me feel funny, like i was defending him or me, but didn't feel like i did anything wrong.

i guess when they only ever see me with kit there, it was really out of character to see me with a boy who kept kissing me behind my ears at the bar.

and nate telling me how boring this city is made me feel like i was doing something wrong, even though this will be a great weekend. where i lay in the air conditioning and write and make mixed cds. because that's what i do to relax. there's nothing wrong with not wanting to run myself ragged. but he made me feel like there was.

and i don't know why i suddenly have started to care about what other people think of me and the decisions i make. maybe that is a topic for another day.

the recurring theme this week has been the 'kitchen sink' thing.

it's when something goes wrong, and it feels like everything goes wrong. or when you're bitching about something and then start rattling off the laundry list of shit that is pissing you off. or when you're sad about one specific thing, and then about every tiny thing that doesn't even matter.

i've been there for a couple weeks. partly hormonal. partly ever. partly work. each aspect of my life has had its turn.

and i think i'm always that way, but i've been particularly aware of it lately. because, before, it was always about work. or always about ever. but never about everything all at once.

i have been an eeyore lately. and i don't like it. but i also haven't tried to find my way out of it.

depressed state continues on.

and maybe if chalk wasn't coming back. i'd have made an effort to go out tonight to look at boys.

but instead, i had a ridiculously huge dinner at the bar, and stared at the bartender whose name is mikey. every time i see him, he just gets hotter.

but i'm mostly sure he knows he's hot, so he's probably not very nice. kit said, 'him? really? he's a dick.'

but that is precisely what it is about, now isn't it?

he has something i want. and i'm just too drained to even think about doing anything about it. and certainly not doing anything about it with the guy who works at the bar i go to, on average, four times a week.

i'll just sit here and wait for it to come to me.

it fits in perfectly with the whole laziness theme i have going on right now as well.


i'm tired of hear-thinking myself write this all out right now.

waah waah waah.

get over it, tea.

just get over yourself.

and your issues.

quit your bitchin.

and tomorrow, get out of bed and do something with your day.

since you got all the business out of the way today.

and now?

ibuprofen for this killer headache.

and after that?


cause that is what boring people do at 1030 on a friday night.

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