divorce complaint. august 2nd, still.

stupid ever.

i should not have checked my email before going to sleep.

because aside from work woes, which are bitches more than anything, ever is the thing that makes me panic.

he does have a lawyer. luckily, my lawyer knows him.

and says he should be able to find out if ever will sign or not, before putting a ton of time into the settlement agreement.


he said ever is asking about the car as a marital asset.

that fucker.

my car before that was MINE. before i met him. half the money we paid for the car was from the old one.

i'll fucking go for the business.

and the house for sale.

his dumb ass.

if you're living for free in a house that your wife practically bought for you and is letting you live in for two fucking years, then you might wanna leave her car out of it. buy your own. like the piece of shit cash car you had before we were married.

bastard piece of shit.


i don't know why it makes me so angry. i think i'm genuinely surprised that he has a lawyer. even though i'm sure it's a friend of our old neighbor's. who's probably working for him pro bono.


i swear. if he complicates this shit, he is done for.

i don't want to drag it out. but he doesn't mind that part.

i really hope he mans up for once. but something tells me that he won't. because he does not know how. and probably never will.


i don't want to think about it. i liked it when it was going on in the background. some piece of paper that ever had to sign that would mean that things are going to be over soon.


and my instinct, my reflex, is homesickness.

it was today at work. and it is now.

just run away.


it will be interesting, but more scary than anything, to see what he contends and agrees to. and to see what, if anything, he tries to get out of me.


if i see him as a scared little boy, the sympathy comes back. the feelings of guilt come back and i want to work with him. but the thought of working on anything with him seems so impossible now. because instead of a scared little boy, i just think of him as a big overgrown baby. who doesn't see anything that he was given along the way.

i'm such a fucking sucker.

and this sucks. all of it.


let me out, let me out. let me out.


i was so tired before i saw that. and now? i don't know if i can sleep.

i expected it to be a short sweet note, and i got caught off guard after midnight. beyond the time when i wanted to go to bed. and my ipod is in my car.

MY car.

fucker.

i just want to sleep.