dull. august 7th.

i don't know what happened.

it was early in the afternoon. kit and i were walking. everything was fine. i commented on how nice a day it was.

then we came back to my-your, which seems the wrong name for it now that it's only kit's (your) place.

it has been lovely.

last night, i started a load of laundry after taking her to the ups hub. it took her a solid hour to get two packages. i waited in the car with the air on. and i wrote. and i wrote and i wrote.

i didn't even realize it had been an hour. though i did make it through more than one better vision comp, so i knew it had been a while.

but it felt so good to write on paper. i never do that. not for that long. i guess at the house might have been the last time. or at vet store right after the writer came and went.

but it was nice. and she was so apologetic. and i couldn't say enough... 'no. really. i needed that.'

there's just so much i wanted to say that i can't write on here. too private. secrets. too personal. the darker thoughts. the stuff at the core of it.

and it felt good to get it all out on paper. so i don't feel like i'm kidding myself into thinking that i'm ignoring things or downplaying things that i think. it's not so much what i feel. it's how things that were said made me feel, physically.

but other than that, it was all the stuff that is just too much to share. things that i will keep and hold. and never tell a soul.

and it's all down and out of my system now. and i felt lighter and better afterwards.

today, though? i don't know what happened. we came back and now i feel like a deflated balloon.

it's not that there's something else i'd rather be doing. this is pretty much it. relaxing. writing. music. i made two batches of brownies.

they're going in the mail on monday. because i missed the cutoff today. when i realized that i was going to, i think that's when i got a little sad.

i have everything to ship.

i just need to write letters and notes on paper.

aubree has a gift. nina has a few little things. brownies, too. and this boy tony that went to high school with me. he sent me some r.e.m. dvd's of tour footage that i used to own but lost along the way. so i made brownies for him.

i couldn't make the cutoff today because i'm in limbo with mixed cds. i owe everyone mixed cds. and because the black turtle is a piece of shit, i can't burn cds off of it. so i'm basically recreating all my mixes on black top.

which is going to take forever. but that's what i need to be doing right now, along with tomorrow. just line em up and knock em down.

i don't know what my problem is. i think i have wanted to cry since chalk left and just haven't had a reason to. it's more a feeling than anything else.

and i spent the morning wanting to go out tonight, but resigned myself to a night alone, in, because i had no one to go out with. i put out an all points bulletin and only chalk had something to say about it, a smart ass remark. nothing helpful.

so now kit's saying maybe we'll go out. and i don't know if i even feel like it anymore. sad tea has taken over. it's like i know i'm so full of shit, all this talk about hooking up with random dudes and having sex with people i don't know.

i wish i was the type of person who could. because it would be so much more fun than sitting around thinking about the fact that i'm just not.

i'm gathering information right now. i'm learning.

and i'm too afraid to go out hunting all alone. so i doubt i'll go hunting ever.

i'll just sit and act like i'm not waiting for chalk to come back.

i can't believe it's been a week. one week ago, i'd had sex like six times by this point in my weekend. and i couldn't stop giggling and smiling and laughing.

this is in stark contrast to that.

last night, kit was trying to talk some sense into me at the bar, over the dinner and beer she bought me in an effort to make up for sitting and waiting at ups, which was totally unnecessary. but she dropped this gem on me. and i laughed for a long time after.

'if you're redlining on the i need penis meter, you're gonna have to go for it.'

meaning, i'm going to have to go to one of the nine places she rattled off to me, where i can meet a boy. as long as i keep in mind that i'm not really in a place to have standards.

yes, i can have standards to a point. not a rapist. not going to drug me. no tag-teaming with a friend.

but beyond that, not the hottest guy. and i probably can't avoid the popped collars. i don't really get a say. because if i do, it's too much like dating. and then i've not only gone against my word, but also let myself down.

so it is, with a heavy-ish heart for no good reason, that i sign off.

i'm going to write a bunch of letters to people who mean a lot to me, but live too far away to hug.

and then i'm going to package up a bunch of fantastically delicious brownies and send them all out. they're all invariably going to florida. except the ones that i ate. and the one that kit ate.

maybe i'm just a little homesick or something. maybe thinking about everyone back home is what's making me feel a little blue.

really, i just feel quiet. laying on kit's bed while she organizes her life into neat little bins and bags. sorting through things that she's been moving around for years, without a reason to.

this is what i do. i do laundry and cook for us and bake in her oven, because it works. and she lets me. and she cleans when i'm here. and i help her clean her place so it's done in half the time.

it's a great best friendship. neither of us feels like we're doing any huge favor for the other. but we're both giving each other exactly what we need.

including icy cold beers. i'll have another one of those now, please.

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