i've been thinking a lot.
i'm still totally baffled as to why ever thought he needed to say that to me yesterday.
and all i could come up with is that he must be taking a girl to that show.
it's the only logical explanation for why he'd want to be 100% sure that i'm not going. but i don't even understand that, really. because it seems like he would love it if i ran into him with another girl.
i don't know. any way i think about it, or look at it, up close or from far away, it doesn't make sense.
but i guess that is the point. none of it makes a bit of sense.
so because of this, i'm now the butt of a whole new set of jokes. which i guess is good, because making light of shit always makes it easier.
mom sent a picture text of a little girl's bike, saying that i have new wheels in case ever gets the car in the divorce. and a whole slew of restraining order jokes, too.
like i said. better to laugh than to cry. if i understood the logic, maybe it would make me cry. but for now, i just walk around perplexed. like the dumb server at mom's. one eyebrow up and eyes to the sky, as if taking your order for a pbr tallboy is like a quadratic equation.
today was easy. and that was a welcome relief. i like it when my week works out that way. i prefer to get the hard stuff over with on monday and tuesday, so that by the time it's friday, only the easy stuff is left.
the craziest thing happened this morning. last week, i ran into alice's roommate on my way in.
today i was walking my bike, smoking, like i do every morning on my way to work, after i pass the 2/3's mark.
and there was this boy walking up the sidewalk toward me. i say boy, but he was a man.
and he was hot. and i was checking him out. and he got closer and i smiled at him. and he said,'hey. can i ask you a question, since you have a bike?'
which didn't make any sense, but okay... he took off his sunglasses. just a fetching chunk of man to see so early in the morning.
'can i walk to center city from here?'
and it would have been the perfect time to use that wretched pickup line about being lost. but i didn't. in fact, i just helped him, without flirting.
'you can, but it's far and you're going to the wrong direction.'
so i got him turned around, and told him how to get there from where we were, and warned him about how far it was. he said he had a lot of time to spare.
he thanked me, and i told him to have a nice day and watched him walk away.
pam said i should have told him that my place was on the way. which made me laugh.
yeah. today was a good day.
aside from that, it's laundry night at kit's. with some tallboys and a helping hand to get her apartment back to where it needs to be.
friday nights in always seem so sad to me. but at least i'll clean every piece of clothing. and have clean linens again.
maybe we'll make it out. maybe we'll get lucky. maybe we'll run into some dudes who are looking for smart sweet gals like us.
maybe i'll run into the lost guy from this morning.
i also fell in love yesterday at work. i was walking to my car after work. and this boy biked past me. same thing as this morning, i noticed him and eyed him and then smiled.
he did smile back as he pushed up the hill past me. black bike with yellow handlebar tape. he was so cute. he had to have been australian, because he looked a little bit like heath ledger. tan and well put together.
it's the strangest thing, feeling like i've been blind for so long, and like i have just been given the gift of sight again.
and like half the men and guys and boys around me are just beautiful. everywhere i look, i see things i like and want to look at more.
yet, aside from admiring hot boys all day, every day, i can't seem to stop thinking about chalk.
and to be perfectly clear: NOT in that way. not in the relationship kind of a way.
but just wishing for it to be last weekend all over again.
just wishing to have that man in my bed again.
it's so unfair to be so far from my one buddy. i wish i knew how to find another, so i could start again with someone else, and so i could focus on someone else.
but the risk i run with that is falling for the next one. which is why chalk is the best thing ever. i run no risk of falling for him. he's mysterious, and only opened up to me a little bit since i saw him in florida, and since. but that is where it stops.
i'm so relieved. i was afraid that something else would mill around in my head. but nothing else is. i just want it back. because it was good. and i was happy for a few days. and occupied.
i didn't think about going out, i didn't think about anything but wants and needs.
i don't want to talk about it, because that makes it worse. i don't want to think about it, because that makes me want to talk about it. i thought it would be easier after. but it's just not.
i have no plans for this weekend. i'd like to see alice, and have her over to my place finally, but i don't know if she will make it.
i will sleep. but whatever. that's boring. i'd love to go dancing, but feel i have no one to go with. and that i should save up that energy for next weekend.
dancing when nina was here was just so good. i'm too tired today to feel like going there tomorrow. but maybe tomorrow i'll feel better. or maybe i'll go see a movie alone.
next week is going to be a huge waste of my time. and the week after that, too. i'll need something to write about, because this is too boring to prolong, and i'm feeling uninspired. i'll come up with something.
or just read 85 books.
either way, it's going to suck and drag on forever.
but for today, it's the weekend.
commencing friday night laundry in 3.. 2.. 1..