without a clever title. august 4th.

today was the day i was supposed to leave for vacation. at noonish. for grandma's house.

and the fact that i decided not to go was for the best, saying as my trip would have been wrecked by work.

maybe that is why i'm feeling subconsciously glum. especially tired. specifically unhappy.

i don't know. i'm glad i decided not to go. i'd have been too tired to drive fourteen hours. that is for certain. i'm just sad that i don't get to see my family. and that i don't get to really get away from it all in the mountains for a few days.

that i'm going to miss the leonid shower in my grandma's back yard through the telescope i wanted to have in time for it.

it's okay. the divorce was expensive, and i paid it off, so that is done.

and now i can start to pay off the credit cards like i'd originally planned. because now i'm back to having extra money. which makes me very happy. plus, nate is paying me back, so i'll have that, too.

i spent a lot of time writing yesterday.

but none on here. it was mostly in chat with nina and kit, and most of all with brownies on fb.

i spent hours writing. it was great.

tonight i got the first wedding invitation in the mail since i left ever.

instead of feeling sad or reflective, as i tore open the envelope, i was actually excited.

i was too unstable to go to her bachelorette party. and i don't know if i will drive to va for the wedding, but i'd like to.

i'd like to, because there's something about going to a wedding that will end in a life of wedded bliss. if ever two people were meant to marry, it's ash and dave. they've been together practically forever. and they are perfect apart, and even better together.

which then makes me shift perspective. because i have never gone to a wedding alone. even when i was too young to take a boy with me, i went with family.

we'll see. the lack of a date to the wedding might be the thing which stops me from going. or it might be all the more reason to do something on my own.

getting a hotel would be all the more reason to take some boy with me. or, again, be the reason to go alone. i've never gotten a hotel room just for myself.

something to think about.

something else on my mind. dark sky star party number two. tomorrow, i mail off my check for the reservation.

how i wanted coffee to go with me, before the florida vacation where i put things on the table, without putting anything on the table. thinking back to that first trip, where all i wanted was that particular boy to share it with.

if i play my cards right, i could totally have the cash on hand to buy a telescope there. something used. get more for my money. and have the added bonus of having it already set up, and someone to show me how to use it.

i might just do that. it might be my new plan. i'm such a sucker for buying new and having the warranty.

but it's a telescope i probably won't use as much as i think i will. it's like investing in exercise equipment. you think you'll use it enough to make it worth the price you pay. yet, somehow, owning it means you'll never use it. and in a year, it will end up in your next garage sale.

chalk has been sending me a daily text message.

i'm easing into life after a weekend like the one i just had. it figures that every time he messages me, i'm already thinking about some aspect of it.

today, it just said, 'you. are beautiful. just thought you should know.'

i was quizzing kit last night about the rules and how these things usually shake out.

not like i thought he would ignore me completely, like a boy in this city would. because he's so far away, i feel that it's just serving as a tether. a loose, long tether.

like he's trying to be a nice guy. who didn't just have me and leave, never to speak to me again. in fact, i'm sure he's trying to figure out, like i am, the next time we can get together.

i wish i had other options at this point. which ties in to a conversation that kit and i were having today. about building a little list of boys we can call for these things.

but because i only have one person on my list, there's only one guy to think of, when i'm being realistic.

i'd assume that if i nabbed some boy here, i'd get the occasional text, maybe once ever couple weeks. something like, 'hey, beautiful. what are you doing?'

in that way, where calling a girl beautiful is really only obligatory.

but because this one is eight states away, i don't know how it goes.

so landlord cleaned up the front of the apartment. and now there are 85 trillion ants who don't know where their homes went. chalk joked that i had half of a front yard. i wonder why he picked today. it was getting ridiculous. now i wonder if the ants will crawl on me because i sprayed the stoop. best idea vs worst idea.

i don't feel like i'm done writing. but i also don't know what else to say.

i'm disappointed in the writer. i was talking to nina about it. i want those pictures. it's been almost four months. but i also want them to show up when he's good and ready to send them.

really, i'd very much like to have a drink with him and see how he is doing. but that's neither here nor there. literally.

i bought a six pack of tall boys tonight. in an effort to have a drink at home. because in reconciling my checkbook in light of payday tomorrow, i spent $100 at a bar this week. buying for chalk and i twice and for kit, chalk, and me another time. retarded waste of money.

and drinking at home alone or not is only slightly better. still a waste. still a bad habit. it's gotten worse, too.

i've been averaging three beers a day. every day.

and that's not good. it's over the course of several hours. but last night i got drunk. and it was only tuesday.

i can't remember anymore what i did before beer to unwind from a super shitty day.

i'm carrying all this tension in my neck and back. a back rub would be nice. but ever never gave them unless he got one first, and it was only a halfass attempt for a couple minutes when he did.

having a boy here to rub on me would be fantastic.

any boy.

i'll take any boy at this point.

in an effort to eliminate stress at its source, i had a talk with my only manager today.

i have been so angry at her for so long now. which is how i tend to roll. i get completely fed up. and then crack.

i know what is going to happen. she's going to continue to disappoint me and not do her job. only now i told her i'm not going to do it for her anymore.

if in two weeks she isn't pulling her weight, i'm done with her and demoting her. again. for the second time.

it felt good to vent about her to her. i'm the opposite of a drama queen. i go straight to the source.

after telling her that every problem i have right now are mostly her problems, i thought we had an understanding.

i told her that everyone but her is killing themselves to help out. and she should be the one figuring shit out and delegating. and that i have been and that i'm not going to anymore.

because lauren and i have been pulling doubles to cover shifts. i have two this week, and lauren has two. she has left early every day.

and i hoped that she would think about it.

know what she did?

texted me a little while later to tell me that she had an idea.

that i could come in at six and work all day, and that lauren could come in at ten and work a slightly longer shift. how did that sound.

and i said, 'sounds to me like you don't want to help and that you want me to work a third double.'

i was infuriated.

and she came over about an hour later. telling me that my text cracked her up.

and i said that it wasn't funny. that i was highly pissed.

she doesn't get it. and i was telling pam, 'it's kinda like my marriage. in two ways.'

one way is that i do the same thing every time with her, and expect a different outcome. definition of insanity.

and also, that every time i give her a chance and the benefit of the doubt. and that every time, i'm disappointed. because every time, she does the same stupid shit.

just like ever. she will never get it.

and in two weeks from now, when her paycheck is affected, she'll be pissed at me.

but i'll have cut my losses. again.

because i learn from mistakes. and because i'm no longer afraid to admit when i've made one.

see? i'm learning.

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