227 am, to be precise.
i am... alone.
i am... lonely.
and 500 days of summer? i liked all but the ending.
i did need to see it.
and really, i did need to see it tonight.
this is what my friday was supposed to be.
going to favorite bar six days this week made me feel pathetic.
i am pathetic.
my choices are poor.
and it was stupid.
i try to force things into happening. and it never works for me.
no matter how many times i am taught the lesson of 'there may not be a next time', i make the same choices.
i have to stop.
because this sucks.
there will never be a 'next time'.
and believing that there might be is what makes me sit home alone with a big pile of regrets adn snotty tissues.
it felt good to cry.
i cried more than i probably would have on any other given night, under many other given circumstances.
maybe this is what was supposed to happen.
i think that i stopped believing that things happen for a reason.
because the reasons pile up and weigh me down.
and then there's nothing else.
just one more pile to sort and organize and clean up later.
probably when i'm hoping for company.
it's late and i'm beyond tired.
and yet i don't know how i will go to sleep.
'i wanted so badly someone other than me, staring back at me.'
maybe that's what i need. august and everything after.
but that will only lead me to coffee.
and that is something i have no desire to go back to.
i wish it didn't. he ruined it for me.
there is always a dream, i guess.
i'm proud of myself for going bowling with ash tonight.
because if i hadn't, and if i'd stayed home and waited all night for something that didn't happen, i would have wondered about it.
i had fun.
and in hindsight, i should have just stayed.
i don't think i can go back to favorite bar. probably for a week. i need to cleanse myself of it, and the way it makes me feel. self conscious.
there are other things i can do. other places i can go.
i'll be at the ceremony tomorrow, when they reopen the bridge a few blocks from here. i might take miss breezey.
just ride my bike and work it out. maybe i'll bike the path. all the way up to the northeast. maybe i'll want to keep going.
and maybe i won't even get out of bed.
i'm really glad i have an appointment with my shrink.
it really kindof can't get here fast enough.