drained and strained. november 4th.

i am pretty stressed out.

i feel like a taut wire.

i can hear that metal stretching sound in my mind. like when you tune a guitar and tighten the string too far.


tomorrow is my day to sleep in, so i'm pretty happy about that.


this morning, my alarm went off at 545, as planned.

but i knew i'd been getting to suck store early, so i hit snooze. knowing i could a couple more times, if i wanted.

fuck it. it's almost over. i can show up late if i want.


and my phone rang.

gave me a heart attack.

i was thinking, 'oh no, oh no' that someone was calling out or something.

it was this guy saying he was trying to get into my location and he was supposed to start work today.

i told him he had the wrong number. and went back to bed pissed.

was laying there about five minutes, and my phone rings again. same number.

'hey. i just told you. you have the wrong number.'

'well, i'm here with someone who works for you.'

and he hands her the phone as my 550 am brain thinks whaaaaa?

'hey, ash?'

'no. i told him he has the wrong number.'

hung up.

gave up on the snooze button.


who does that?


so i decided i'll give him a call at like 2 in the morning when i'm awake.

and ask for pedro or something.

and when he says i have the wrong number, i'll wait for him to fall back asleep.

and then call again.


that was how my day started.

it was pouring. so i drove over there, and accident. traffic.

i was already worked up about working the store, because i knew cat did a good job of telling people yesterday that we were getting kicked out.

and i was sad to have to interact with all of these people.

and the anger was bubbling up.


and right off the bat, customer number one was talking about it.

i knew it was going to be a bad day. well, a rough day.


and people were getting angrier and angrier.

and those fuckers were in the room we're in, walking around, looking at their side and at our side from their side, and being douchey.

and one of my customers saw them, and went up to them to tell them how she felt about it.

and then a set of two radiologists did the same thing.

and i knew i was in for it.


sure enough, tony (captain douchecanoe) left, and joe (assistant to the regional douchecanoe) came over and told me that tony said we can't use the language we're using to tell people that we're getting kicked out.

he approached me, 'hey, tea. how are you today?'

and i just looked at him. with death glare eyes. 'great.'

'i need to talk to you.'

i'm facing the wall, washing dishes.

'i'm listening. what is it?'

blah blah, language.


'look. you were sitting right there when he told us we have to leave. i'm being as pc as possible by saying that you're asking us to leave, when we're being forced out. we're not going to leave here without telling our customers what is going on. this is not our choice. he was a jerk, and he's lucky i'm not telling them everything he said in that meeting. you were there. you know what was said.'

'well, he is telling me, i'm in the middle.'

'right. and kenna is telling me, i'm in the middle, too. sounds to me like someone should be calling kenna. because i'm doing what i'm told. and being nicer than i want to be.'


oh my god. shaking mad.

he walked away and i got louder and more descriptive with the customers. if he had left me alone, things would have gone smoother.

and the two of them, breakfast, and again at lunch.

i wish they would choke.


i came home starving, because i refused to spend money on their food. i had a croissant at work in the morning, but couldn't justify cake for lunch, so i just had nothing. it sucked. i was so mad, i almost dropped like $15 to get pizza delivered in there, just to show them how i felt and prove a point. but i didn't.


i just don't know how people can be so inconsiderate and disrespectful, and then think they will get their wishes respected. kenna gave me permission to say things differently than i was. but i just hope they hear about this for months after we're gone.

three customers is nothing. they were three polite ones, too. in a way, i don't want people to put up a fight, because i want out. now. but i hope they give them the biggest rash of shit ever over this.


i need to not think about it. i was immersed in it all day today, and by the time my day was over, i'd almost forgotten that it was my responsibility to remove TEN CRATES of milk from the store. cat had ordered 12 gallons. they sent 12 cases (48 gallons). so i had to take it to my store.

so after dealing with all of that anger and frustration, it took an extra 40 minutes to get the fuck out of there. and then i had to go to my store instead of home to unpack it all and put it in the store.


seriously awful. and kenna wanted me to tell her details, so instead of smoking on my drive home, i had to have the windows up with speakerphone on.


i don't know. i came in, had ramen, and got my umbrella and went out for a smoke. and came inside, feeling like it was time for bed, because of how completely drained and exhausted i was. and it was 630.

i am a grandma. i can't wait for the time change.


i don't know.

after just last night getting sucked into 'the middle' and watching the three episodes of this season, tonight when i went to watch the fourth? gone! not on hulu anymore. not on abc anymore.

what the shit? why does this happen to me??

so now i struggle to find them elsewhere online. i can't believe this is the second season. it seems like the first.

it's awesome in any case. they'd better put them back online.


and after all of this angsty stressed stuff, i'd also like to add that it is about that time again.

i was telling nina the other night that i just can't help but to wonder if this is hormonal stuff happening.

and she said to figure it out, because i never write it down or pay attention.

yeah. so.

perfect storm sitting in this apartment.


and i would also like to thank nina.

sitting at suck store today, after the chew out from assistant douchecanoe, i got an email.

i cried at work.

she took my again & again post. and rewrote it for me.

seriously? it made me laugh and cry and laugh and cry again.

it was a lot to take in.

and then i got not one, but two emails from brownies.

so i kept myself distracted between tantrums.


oh, and? i got an appointment with the shrink.

it's not until november 29th, but if i can get there before that, i will. and if not, it's a failsafe.

it's going to be thanksgiving soon.


i'm going to be shutting down a store. again. soon.

and moving it. soon. and opening a new store. again. soon.


i'm so fucking tired. i don't know how i'm going to do it at all.

maybe this is going to be my thanksgiving week.


i am feeling ingrateful, if that is the case.

then again, with a 33% reduction in locations to manage, i'll be thankful to have a job.


i need to be in touch with the lawyer again.

i've fought the urge every single day to look at the mortgage site, because i know that there is no way in hell he could possibly have paid it yet.

but i think i will tonight. and email the lawyer to see if we get an emergency hearing or what.

ever's got the right idea. head in the sand trick really keeps the stress from my personal life at bay.

i think i'm doing this all wrong...