homeostasis. november 3rd.

to the things i'm suspending disbelief about tonight, i'm adding corbett and toomey to the pile.

oh, pennsylvania. shame on you.

another thing. that dickwad who is kicking us out of suck store is 'upset' that we wasted no time in telling our customers. seems dr dug found out while tony was in his proximity. and gave him an earful. pretty awesome.

tomorrow i'll be in the thick of it.

it ought to be interesting. god help him if he speaks to me. i don't know if i'll be able to control myself.

kenna flew home tonight. back to her life, and i have the longest to do list in my paper journal.

it was a crazy trip. from telling her about moving to losing the store that she is emotionally attached to. we did end on a high note, but i can't help feeling like she went home feeling like she is losing control of her business.

she was really good to me. and i feel better than i should.

last night, i alternated between thinking about seeing that boy again, and the suck store situation.

i didn't sleep well.

lots of tossing and turning.

i watched a nova that i knew i shouldn't have. luckily it didn't give me nightmares. it was about the space shuttle disasters.

challenger and columbia.

living in florida, these things are especially heavy for me.

i watched challenger blow up from my elementary school sidewalk.

in the third grade.

it was traumatic.

and columbia happened right before i got married. i saw the whole thing on tv at the lexus dealership where i was working.

the end of that documentary was especially depressing, and when i closed out the window and went back to fb, national geographic had posted a link about discovery's final flight.

it was a little too timely.

then kit told me about the election results.

and i was so tired i couldn't get up to smoke, but as i tried to fall asleep, sleep evaded me.

thinking about walking up to the bar and him being there made me smile hugely in bed.

thinking about what i would say or do.

going through conversation in my mind. essentially writing another coffee-esque short story while i was laying there.

i won't screw it up this time. i swear.

all i need is just one more chance.

all i can do is hope that, on friday, he is there at the same time. so i can set things right.

tell him he's cute. ask him to hang out. give him my number. or all of the above.

i was laying there last night, thinking about how much fun would be made of me if anyone knew my thoughts.

for example: if i don't want to date, do i have to say things differently? do i tell him i like him if i don't want anything substantial from him?

do i have to say anything at all?

do i just go for it and kiss him? i don't think i've ever just kissed a boy. isn't that insane? i always wait for them to make a move.

this isn't just about boy from friday. i mean, today it is. but if i never see him again, i still need this information.

i started watching 'the middle' tonight.

i love patricia heaton. and janitor from scrubs. the daughter on the show is exactly who i was at that age, and it freaks me out completely to think of myself back then, kindof like how i think of myself at nineteen in the throes of coffeetime.

part of making my costume this year was getting over my fear of wings. ever since those stupid fucking sadie hawkins day wings i wore far too often in those days.

i have a picture of myself, standing on top of my car wearing them when it died and was being towed away. because they were in it.

i had to make these wings and trust that i won't flip out, think i'm cloud ten-ing again, and start wearing them around town.

part of me wants to hang them on the wall. and part of them thinks that is just weird.

and part of me thinks i'm crazy.

so i saw robbie today.

he brought us some food that didn't make the delivery this morning.

i went to give him a hug, as i always do. and he didn't kiss my cheek like he normally does, but when i broke from the hug, he was still holding on to me. it was a first.

i do love that man.

and some of the time, i do have little daydreams about running away with him. in a very smitten way, but also in a way that can't even imagine kissing him. i could if i really tried. but really nothing beyond that.

even in my most heated days of want, i can't put him in that place.

but i'd sleep next to him happily.

i think that getting a little crazy over boy from friday is making me doubt myself again.

i realized it today, unlocking the door to my apartment when i came home from work.

i look for him everywhere.

and last night kit said something about me going to all the doors in a 1.5 block radius of favorite bar until i find him.

and i hadn't thought of doing it. but i have been waiting for him to walk by or knock on my door since that night.

he was given much more specific instructions as to where i live.

but when i unlocked the door, it just made me realize that i am going through the same mental processes. i just don't follow through like i used to.

before, i would wonder if a boy was around, and i'd do a drive by to see. now, i think 'i bet he's over there right now'. and i keep thinking about it, but i don't walk over to see.

i guess last night was day five in a row at favorite bar. last friday, obviously. then halloween. then brunch with kit. then happy hour on monday. and last night to talk to sam.

last night was just too much. it made me feel like people there were starting to wonder if i ever don't go there. or why they had seen me there every single day.

even though the shifts switch around so that i am the only one who notices who is on and off, and they wouldn't know that i'd been there every day, because none of them had been.

i just got thrown off by a text from the writer.

i need to regain my train of thought here.

i think that what i'm trying to say is that i'm equally obsessed, as i have always been, about boys.

i meet one guy for two hours one night, and i want him to knock down my door and kiss me like in a movie.

i want to circle the neighborhood and look for him. i want to be there every day, so that i have a better chance of running into him again.

these are the things that make me feel insane.

especially because i have a pretty good idea of what will happen next.

it won't be a chalk thing. i had too much fun for that. i was hanging on his every word, and meeting his eyes.

i don't want to drag him here and have my way with him, i want to talk all night and fall asleep next to him.

it is the wrong thing to do. it is the wrong approach. the chalk thing is the way to handle my current situation. there is zero risk of falling. it is cut and dry. it keeps me honest, and keeps me alone for the year i know i need.

which is why i kinda hope i don't see him again. it would be another conor thing.

i could just say, 'oh, well.' and put it out of my mind.

this boy was different.

he made me giggle.

he giggled.

i think that after being in a dysfunctional relationship for so long, i just can't
get enough of the fun of it.

ever just wasn't that guy. he wasn't fun. he was serious, and depressed, and a hermit.

i just want to have fun.

but this is exactly the type of boy that i'll get smitten with, under the pretense of just wanting to have some fun. i mean, i kindof already am, and i don't even know his last name!

do boys freak out when you drop the divorce bomb on them?

'i'm not looking for anything serious. i'm going through a divorce right now.'

is that a no-no?

i mean, it's now a part of me. and it feels like a bit of a scarlet letter. like i'm branded, and i can't not say it.

when people break up with their boyfriends of years, how long do they wait to get back in the game? this feels so different than that. i never waited between boyfriends before, so i just don't know these things. a husband is not a boyfriend, so is there even any similarity?

pretty soon, i'm going to have to make a shrink appointment. maybe i can get one for monday, since i'm working suck store for cat. hopefully she has one available.

i feel like i need a life coach.

i feel like a retard.

how can i not know these things?

i just feel completely lost in all of this stuff, and unable to stop with the beer every night, and today walking my bike to work, smoking, i realized that i'm pretty dehydrated. and that it's probably what's causing my dizzy spells.

i just can't drink water. i know that is a dumb thing to say, but i can't. i drink coffee at work. and herbal iced tea when i feel dried out. and then come home and try to have a glass of water or sugarfree lemonade (which is the only way i really get water into my system). before two beers.

which are pretty watery pbr's. but still.

i just feel myself getting slower, eating worse food (i'm now on the microwave burrito and frozen pizza and fries at hom kick), clothes getting tighter, smoking more, struggling to bike.

and despite knowing all of these things are horrible and that this is no way to live and that i feel shitty, i have no fucking motivation to stop the madness.

you'd think that the prospect of getting naked in front of a cute boy would scare me into it, but it just doesn't.

nothing makes me want to ditch the all carb diet.

not seeing a disgusting picture of myself that kenna took. nothing.

i have got to gain some control over my life.

i have to want to first.

i want to wear those skinny jeans again. i feel so far from that right now.

all it would take is like a week of being committed. and i just don't have it in me.

i'm pretty dumb.

i want to slap sense into myself. but it won't even work.

i'm up past my bedtime. 545 is going to fucking BLOW in the morning.

peace out.

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