fake it til i make it. november 5th.

ever didn't pay the homeowners insurance bill.

so i'm splitting him off of my account.


and i put $500 aside in savings today. i'm up to $800. this is getting exciting, because it means i'm close to going home. $900 was my goal. and i still have 45 days until my trip. iiieeeee!

i can now pay my rent when i don't get paid to be on vacation.


i've been nauseous all day, because it is friday, and i have a very real plan to go see if that boy is at favorite bar, same day and time as last week.

i kept having random thoughts about it today while i was driving all over for work. and having heart flutters and sick pangs in my gut. it was awful. yet, i was smiling about it.


i woke up with a migraine. i know it's the usual hormone headache, but the fact that i came home drunk last night after two beers with kit definitely didn't help.

i felt like shit, as is the case most fridays, when i know that i can stay up late and drink more and sleep in.


god, i had another awesome dream last night.

and i actually woke up at 430 and fell asleep and continued the dream! it was awesome.


it went something like this:

i dreamed a name this time. terry mcadams. obviously this is not a person in my life. or anyone i have met. if it is a celebrity name, that would make some sense.

i don't like the name terry, but whatever.

so i was hanging out with a bunch of people in a big house. i think sam was there. a few other people.

and one of the girls liked this guy and invited him over. but he liked me. it didn't register until the end of the dream that i'd done a pretty dick thing to one of my girl friends. i don't remember now who it was.


he had tattooes. a lot of them. on his forearm, he had this crooked hand.

he was a bike guy, so he had that flat bike tool on him all the time. at the end of my dream, he'd left it at my place, and i returned it to him.


we all went swimming in a lake, diving off a dock. the lake had lilypads almost to the surface of the water, it was freaky and gross swimming through them. you couldn't swim on the surface and not feel them.


at some point he kissed me.

then we were making out for a while, on the floor in my living room, which wasn't really my living room. and i said that my room was a mess, but we could lay on the bed instead, to be more comfortable.


he was part of some group. like greenpeace or something.

and i was thinking we were about to have sex, and all these people he knows come into my place, for a meeting or something. try to recruit me. and this guy found this box of cookie cutters and donut cutters in my apartment, and started making donuts for us.

i woke up at some point to pee, and when i went back to sleep, the dream continued.

i kept asking him to do something the next day, and he kept saying he had something to do. i guess i was so excited about meeting him that i kept forgetting.

and at some point, i realized that i was probably upsetting the girl who liked him by moving in on her man, but in a way i didn't care because he was so awesome.

and i kept tihnking that he was going to end up being a jerk, but he wasn't.

and the house was across the street from my apartment, and i didnt have curtains, so i was afraid ever would see everything. then realized in my sleep that wasn't possible, because the house and the apartment weren't on the same street.


i woke up warm, wrapped up in my comforter, and with a pillow over my head. it was awesome. except for the migraine.

so i got up, took some motrin, and tried to sleep until it worked. i probably laid in bed in the dark for 45 minutes until it went away. it made me feel sick.


then to my store, then suck store, then the office, then back to my store, then home.


now i'm commencing friday rituals. clean the apartment. clean myself up. and to the bar at 1030 or 11.

my fingers are crossed.

i really really REALLY hope he goes back. not even to try to see me. but just happens to be there.

i'll hit him over the head with a frying pan this time, i swear.

i'll leave nothing to chance this time.

i'll do my best to bring him home with me.


i really want to make out. all these dreams and everything. it's killing me to wake up from that alone. just this boy. just this night.

please please please? stars. please. just align already.


kit brought 500 days of summer to me last night.

told me not to watch it unless he doesn't show up tonight.

i might beat her to the punch and watch it after i clean. to kill time. i hate waiting. i hate killing time. and the hormonal state of my being right now could really use a good cry, and i'm afraid to watch this movie regardless, and i am certain it will make me cry, even though i know nothing about it.

i absolutely refuse to sit there for more than one beer alone tonight. night 6 of 7 in the last week.

so i have to time it right, not like halloween eve.

and kit also instructed me to talk to hot bartender. she thinks he feels left out, because we are friends with every other person there. i'm not supposed to know his name, so i'll introduce myself and see what happens. she talked to him about his wedding one night when she was there when i wasn't, because she hadn't really talked to him at length either.

and she said he seemed happy to talk and be talked to.


so i guess, even if tim doesn't appear, i can always talk to hot bartender through the course of a beer.

and i think sam is off because of her birthday, so i am totally on my own tonight. which i hate. but will pretend that i don't.

fake it til i make it.

mmhmm.


kit was getting frustrated with coaching me last night.

she wants to help me, but is struggling to work under these conditions.

first of all, i'm a serial monogamist (which is a fun word to try to say when you're druuuunk). and there was this hot guy who smelled incredible sitting next to me last night. and she was nudging me to tell him. of course, i waited until he was leaving, to avoid embarrassing myself and then having to sit next to him while he finished his beer.

so i touched his (mmmm) arm as he was leaving, and said 'you smell really good'.

and kit was coming back from the bathroom and said he smiled all the way out the door, what did i say to him?

and she yelled at me (not really) for not doing it earlier to have conversation.


whatever. he seemed like the type of guy who knows he looks and smells good. plus, all i can think about is tim, so whatever.


i will never succeed at this game, i know. and i'm okay with that. because i don't care to be good at it.

i will protect my heart as much as i can. which is what i'm doing by only trying to have one conversation with one boy at one time.

i'm not going to try to talk to five guys, because that is five possible rejections, and i am not strong enough to endure that.


and i won't pursue something. really, i don't pursue anything, because then i don't have to put myself out there. i like letting it come to me. only it never does. but it's better than being shot down, in my eyes.

tim is different. i'm encouraged enough by his interaction with me to feel like it's a safe bet.

a sure thing.


light a candle for me. think toward thoughts. i need all the help i can get.