consistency. august 9th.

dumb dumb dumb.

that's how my life is going to be for the next ten days.

with a two day break, wherein nate rescues me from day in day out utter boredom.

day one at stupid store that i hate.

luckily kit saved me from total loss and despair by having a comcast password to connect to the internet in the hospital.

brilliant fix.

what it meant was that, after about two solid hours of scrubbing a filthy store, i read for about thirty minutes, my first hemingway book, 'the sun also rises', recommended by squeaky.

then, facebook.

all day long.

i didn't do much other than play scrabble as friends popped on to play.

mostly, it was being online. reading articles that my smart friends post. being connected in general.

and going back and forth between that and the book.

it was chill. i'm not going to lie. it was cake. but i hate feeling like i'm wasting my time. and believe me, i am. i am goofing off all day. because other than a deep clean, there is quite literally nothing to do. except read and space out. with whatever music i feel like listening to.

today was a respectable mix of regina spektor, norah jones, pinback, and john lee hooker. no customers complained. today was a good day.

and landlord must have known not to come in. because i didn't have to see him. i would have had a hard time hiding my intense disdain for him had he shown his face.

i probably would have asked him to leave. and the two customers i had probably would have held him down while i punched him in the big nose.

aside from that, imagine my surprise tonight when i balanced my checkbook after work. i had the old account that ever and i had jointly still associated with my new separate account. i don't know why, but when i log in to my new one, it shows the old one.

and since march, there's been 84.73 in the account. i never closed it after giving it a month to show no activity.

i guess i kinda couldn't. not without him.

anyway, so tonight i log in. and it showed the two account balances. mine had more than i thought it would. which was pretty awesome, saying as i paid the credit cards down $500 this month.

and that joint account? negative $381. yeah. ever paid some past due bills with the old account. i'm assuming on accident.

and despite the whole 'restraining order' thing, i went ahead and emailed him.

he can fix the shit.

luckily it's not attached to my new account. do you know how pissed i'd have been if i had gone into my account and it was overdrawn because of ever.

i didn't bother to tell him that they charged him $50 in overdraft fees. i just told him what the balance needs to be returned to.

fucking dumbass piece of shit. that's what he gets for being an asshole.

i win $5 on my lottery tickets. he gets $50 in insufficient funds.

insufficient funds. how does that sum him up so very concisely? absolutely perfectly.

god. i wish the worst for him. i never thought i'd say that. obviously, i don't want him to die or get cancer or anything that horrible. but anything just short of that? genital warts, maimed, disfigured, ass kicked by someone in the hood, everyone turning on him because they realize what a useless prick he is? PERFECT. i'll take all of those things for him.

i'm so glad to be apart from him. i can't say it enough.

and right after that tangeant, know what makes the most sense to talk about next? wishing to be connected to someone else.

i want to date. i know that i can't. i know that it's a bad idea. in my beer-y silliness on the long walk home the other night, i told kit that i want a boyfriend.

but really, that's not what i want.

i want someone who i can reliably call to come over when i feel like it. not together every day. unless i want to be. and who goes home every night, unless i want him not to.

someone to take me out and treat me well.

that's what i want.

and unfortunately, a fuck buddy will only cover about half of those things.

a long distance fuck buddy? once a month if i'm lucky.

i'm going to ask him to come up in september. i might even offer to pay for his ticket. it's so much easier for him to come here than for me to go there. if i can buy the ticket and not miss work, that would be the best option.

i'd like to go home for labor day, but i just can't. kenna will be here before that, and i'll have two stores to reopen, one to to move if landlord doesn't dick out on me. and then i'll have one to reopen and one to shut down.

other than that, i have nothing new to talk about. just chalk. and ever. divorce and sex. that's all i consist of these days.

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