yep. so proud to not cave last night.
then, tonight, a 4 pm jaunt to the favorite bar led to not one, not two, but three beers. i was supporting kit, but also making my own decisions.
i was stuck offline at work today, and wrote this:
i open the store at 730.
i asked the second person who came what i could get for her. she said she had a question for me.
i'm thinking she's going to ask about cake or coffee.
she said, 'i'm from environmental services. what's your arrangement for trash pickup?'
so i tell her that we set it outside the door at night for pickup.
and she said, 'so you just set it outside and it just MAGICALLY disappears?'
so i tell her that, no, this is my understanding of the agreement, and if she needs an answer she can ask landlord. who is also her boss.
it's too early for that kind of attitude. i've had one other interaction with her. she's never introduced herself. and the other time, she came at me the same way. only it wasn't 7:35 am, and i wasn't this tired.
i haven't been sleeping well.
i think that maybe i'm in my manic phase again, only this time i have to work early, so i can't let it dictate what i do at night.
last night, i turned off the light at 930, in an effort to get the sleep i've been lacking.
and at about 1015 or so, i was more awake than at 930, so i got up and turned on blacktop.
cd mix burning was a hot success. turns out those stupid color cdrs were the problem. two different kinds. neither would burn.
so i chatted with chalk and nina, and later kit, and burned cds.
until about 1230, when i was no more sleepy, but turned out the light, put down the book and the laptop, and tried again.
i slept well once i fell asleep. and then proceeded to snooze my alarm not once, but twice. i was dreaming about work during the twenty minute snooze, so that must count for something. but it made me run late. and then i had to rush to be on time.
good thing i'm not in the habit of turning it off, else i would likely have woken up at around noon.
and now i'm here. and can't seem to connect to the internet. so that is throwing a wrench in my daily escapades on facebook, scrabbling away my time and day until i go home again and fight for sleep some more.
and i wish i could makes mixes now, but the music i need is elsewhere.
my customer, marie, did the same thing i did divorce-wise, only her marriage lasted 35 years longer. and she just made me feel better about things with ever when she said that if ever didn't contest the divorce complaint, that the divorce can be final before we do the agreement. hers was, in any case.
everything was the same. only he saw her with her new guy she's dating and went so far as to call him and drive past his house. but splitting amicably, and not getting over her leaving him, and the give and take of the splitting of property, her leaving the house and everything in it.
and... how she's happier now than she's ever been, and how the new guy treats her better than anything she's ever known.
her divorce was final inside of two months.
it wasn't in phila, so i'm sure that helped her.
but it makes me very hopeful.
then, right before i left work, i got a call from landlord.
from a different number.
asking me if he could tear out our old cabinetry because it's 'worn'.
if kenna doesn't see it now, she won't.
he wants to take half of our store, the half that is attached to the hospital, out of the hospital.
i called it. i called it a week ago, a month ago, two years ago.
we're done for.
that's all there is to it.
and i knew it.
i don't know. on the bright side, i'm in bed and it's 8 pm.
on the downside, i had three beers, and am getting a fat headache.
i think this cupcake with brownie crumbles on top will fix that up.
i'm missing the perseids because it's cloudy and trying to rain in the form of menacing sprinkles.
and all i want is to sleep.
the ever story plot thickened a few minutes ago, too.
seems ever has a new group of friends involved in his business now. which involves that whole text thing he sent last week.
and there was an article by our friend john in the paper. john, who i've made two batches of brownies for after he wrote us up twice.
john, who is now in the ever pile. john, who will never have a reason to have one of my brownies ever again.
the article's information dictates a financial expenditure on ever's part.
which means he's doing well.
in at least one way.
and jay posted something tonight that will be the next event that i'm forbidden from attending. that will kill me. already, my heart is broken about it.
maybe someday i'll have the balls to live my life and go and do and see what and who i want, when and where i want.
but for now, i'll continue to cower. to hide out and wait for the storm to pass.
i've been sad all week. tonight is no exception. my eyes are watering, but it's not from crying.
i kinda wish it was.
but i'm kinda glad i'm not.
driving home today, i almost cried. 'fix you' was on a mix, which tends to stab me in the heart. and i almost did. but it passed.
and venting to kit at the bar was good for me. we laughed a lot, even though the subject matter wasn't really something to laugh about.
nate will be here tomorrow. my life is becoming a string of distractions. while he is here, i won't talk about ever, if possible. and i will only think and talk about sex and florida.
now it's almost 9. i know i feel worse because of a lack of sleep.
i'm going to try to sleep this off.
i finished 'the sun also rises' today. and started 'everything is illuminated'. it was laying around in the coffee shop, so i picked it up and started it. it's been popping up in collective consciousness type-stuff, so i thought i'd try it out. despite the stack of six books on my nightstand which i haven't read yet.
and while i try to sleep, i'm burning mixes on the black dinosaur. since it takes like 45 minutes, it's a great thing to do in the background. so i can put them on blacktop. and eventually, some day, the iphone.
my to do list keeps getting longer.
i wanted to quit my job today.
just leave in the middle of the day.
get in bed.
luckily, i didn't act on this impulse.
tomorrow, i go back for some more.
because if it doesn't break me, it will make me.
or something like that.
i sent this lovely email to the manager last night. after a barrage of texts back and forth yesterday:
i know you and dan have picked your new hire.
i was trying to explain why i wanted you to continue to interview.
just think of a few things.
max was great right away. and quit.
bryan interviewed really well, and then slacked off.
katie was a stellar employee until she stole $3000.
if something happens with your pick, i want to be able to pull from these same people, to not have to spend another $25 on another ad in a few weeks.
i cannot deal with the stress of being understaffed. you asked me to place an ad so i did. and all of these people need to be interviewed. i'm sorry if it's a pain for you guys to do this for a total of three hours over two days. it took me a few hours to set it all up for you, so you didn't have to.
i'm not trying to make things harder on you. but if you're shortsighted and think you've got the perfect girl, and then something happens, i can't go back to these people later if you cancel on them.
because my store opens the first week of september, and because i need someone for the store i'm working at this week, i want to know if any other people are any good.
thanks for doing this. you know that if i was there, i'd do it. i'd also do the trial shifts for the best people to make sure they're as good as they make you think they are.
do not tell these people that they are for a different location, or that you have filled the slot. do ask them if they have a car, in case i think of them for this store.
i'll check on you guys tomorrow.
i want your pick to train with you on monday. who is going to show her the close?
let me know that you got this please. it was too much to text today...
and somehow, despite ALL that explaining, do you know that she sent me like 12 more messages today, first saying that the people today were all better than the people yesterday. and then, asking why i had her interviewing all these people, because she feels bad that she isn't going to hire any of them? and then said something about being stressed about keeping the store clean, and wrapping cakes, when she had to do all of these interviews.
she is an idiot.
the people today being better is PRECISELY why i made her do it. if i'd settled for the people yesterday and pissed these people off, then what would i be looking at down the road?
stupid. stupid. stupid.
right before i wanted to walk out today, i wanted to fire her.
just for her stupidity.
i get the fact that she hasn't managed before. i also am perfectly clear on the fact that she has been helping out more lately, because i have forced her to and guilted her to.
but come ON. if i break it down, two days in a row. because you will never get it on your own. do i really have to justify it one more time?
i didn't even respond to her today. i said that the line about the people being better was why. and ignored every other complaint.
yes and no texts. that's all she got all day.
and the worst part? i did this to myself.
i put her there knowing full well that she would fail at this.
i was in a bind.
i didn't take my own advice.
because i chose incorrectly, not once, but twice.
because i didn't have much to pick from. and took the best of what was around.
i have successfully recruited a new slew of people.
and if and when the store i'm at now reopens, and if and when the two new stores ever happen, i'll hopefully have some good people.
and if i fire everyone and start over, then i know exactly where to start.
so thanks, manager.
couldn't have gotten here without you. and your peabrain.
all this ranting is making my head hurt worse, and my eyes water more.
bed. for real. now.