friday the 13th. august.

being here just reminds me how many people know and are interested in my life.

this morning, one of the first people in talked to me for a minute, and then asked if she could ask me a personal question.

she said, 'you used to have a ring on your finger and now you don't.'

and i told her that i'd left ever about six months ago.


and then another lady came in just a minute ago, and wanted to know how i was doing.

everyone has a story about themselves or their friend. some people were in marriages for 20 or 30 for even 47 years. and then got out.

and she was saying that she should have left her husband when her kids were small because of what he put her through. but she stayed for the kids and now things are better with him.


i was telling kit last night. and i've written about it a lot, too. but i just can't imagine leaving ever without the exact circumstances that i left under.

and part of me does wish that i'd talked to a lawyer before i left, just because of the house. i'd have been advised not to leave. and i can't imagine staying any longer than i already did. or anything being any different if there had been a longer warning period.

i can only imagine it being worse than it was. which is hard to do.


i don't know. talking about it today, or any time i talk about it to anyone, reassures me. i know i didn't make a mistake in leaving. and that i made a few in the way that i did.

but i also am becoming more aware that six months is feeling like forever. and like i want someone to take care of and cook for and have around.

which is why i can't. but i want someone. and part of me feels ready. but i know it's a false sense of feeling ready.


that day that i was riding with kit when her car got towed, and saw that cute boy driving and waved and got a wave back...

i saw him two nights ago.

i was walking outside for a smoke the night i really couldn't sleep. i opened the front door to go out onto the stoop. and saw this boy riding past me. it took a few seconds to recognize his face in the dark. his hair was the tipoff. but he was biking past, down the street.

and the seconds that it took to register meant that i couldn't wave or say hi or anything. he was on the opposite side of the street anyway.

but he is in the neighborhood. driving and biking. and being generally adorable.

and i will say hi the next time.

it won't take as long to register.


i realize how seldom i'm looking up when i'm out of my apartment.

i am always smoking outside. and i never go out empty handed. i either read a book or a zine, or am writing in paper journal. and those things require that i not pay attention to my surroundings. every once in a while, i'll take my phone and talk. but i'm really not a talker. and if i'm texting, then i am looking down.

so i need to pay attention. see what i see. or who i see.


so. this weekend.

i hope i can keep nate entertained.

tonight, kit recommeded we go to the 'pretty boy bar' near our neighborhood. and tomorrow i already know where we're going.

but during the day, maybe a movie? he's so into movies. surely there's something he hasn't seen yet.

he is paying back the cash i loaned him, so i'll have money to play with, if i feel like misbehaving. and if i don't, then i'll just put it in the bank and try to forget about it.

making tips this week has been great. staying in this week has been great. after sunday, i have been in every night until last night.


i felt rested when i woke up this morning.

i had just fallen asleep, finally, at 1045 last night when my sister called me. my head was still hurting.

i didn't look at the clock when i heard my phone ring through my earplugs, i just panicked in my sleepy state. i didn't answer, because i knew i'd wake up and i could not risk that happening again.

and then she texted me at 230 am on both my phones. so when i heard my work phone go off, i panicked harder, thinking someone was calling out of work.

no one calls out of work, but no one texts me at 230 am, either.

i guess because of the perseids, she assumed i was up watching. and i was a bad sister and didn't call her to tell her about work yet, so she doesn't know about getting up at 6 and missing everything both nights.


i'm glad i could sleep. it was a welcome change. and i woke up ahead of the alarm this morning and was able to snooze. i was having intense dreams that i can't remember. i feel like i was shopping for upholstery or something random like that. but it was really involved. maybe it will come back to me.


and because today is friday the 13th, i have a few random things to mention that popped up in fb.

one: dudermints has to have surgery on his pinky because he broke up a dog fight in his house.

see? wishes do come true.

not that i'm happy he got hurt. but it took less than one month for his dog to be involved in what was his biggest fear about cohabitating with baby girlfriend.


and there was this writeup in a paper here that a shit ton of people read today.

it involves the people who were brought into the ever fold this week. and the thing that cracks me up? there's something in it about the power being out, a leak in the roof, and how bad the room smells.

that's what happens when you don't pay your power bill. now the whole city knows. ha!


i love it when i get revenge without being the one to exact it.

it's even sweeter. you can't run around being a dickhead to people and expect sunshine and rainbows.

every day this week feels like retribution for my choices and the heartache i've inflicted upon one very bitter ever.

but these two little post-work tidbits totally made me laugh. and smile. even though it isn't nice to.


and? there was one other thing.

manager's girl that she wanted to call off all other interviews for? yeah. guess what? she wants a job with benefits. and so she isn't calling back about the job offer.

i do know what i'm talking about.

i do know what i'm doing.

i have been doing this for seven years at this one place, and a lot of years at others.

i learn the hard way.

she will be demoted either next week or the following.


and? kit, remember when i was telling you that dan is always looking for something better? yeah. well, lauren told pam (DRAMA, see?) that he took ten resumes to different cafes last weekend.

like i said, i know exactly what i'm dealing with.

i know what i'm doing, when it comes to this group of people.


and now? i have no problem demoting him, too. because what's he going to do? really. and he was on the computer at work, and probably almost applied to me for the position i posted. he's a bit smarter than manager, though, and i'm sure he figured it out.

that's happened before. i think with him, even. applying for a job that i'd posted.


i'm a smart girl. i've got them all figured out.

and i've made them cover my ass for me.

which makes me super smart.


i remember feeling this indignant right before i quit the airport, after kenna sold me with the company to someone else.

i warned them and warned them. and they wouldn't listen to me. and wouldn't take my advice. and wouldn't act on it.

and all i did was leave.

and they were screwed.


i don't want to screw this company like i wanted to screw that one. i want to screw my employees who think that they work so hard and get paid so little for their efforts, and who think they can all do it better than me.

suck it, manager. suck it, dan. you guys suck. and if i wouldn't have to pay you unemployment, i'd fire your asses just to make a point.


last night, at the bar over the three beers i drank, i told kit that sometimes i just want to bartend.

no responsibility. cash money like woah. i'm great with people when i'm behind the counter. and i'm great with regulars and their drinks, too. it's this uncanny ability i have. i can't remember anything that would save my life, but if someone comes for coffee for the first time in three years, i probably know what they want.

so, yeah. i'd make a really good bartender.

and if shit goes south here, and something happens to the company i run, i will just try to get into one of the bars i frequent.

the thought of having a job with no responsibility is so tempting right now.

but i just had a shitty week. and i will have two fantastic days to get the hell over it.

and then next week, kick some ass, put some people in their place, and end what has been pissing me off for about a month now.


remind me that i said this next week:

i'd rather do it myself than have someone work against me.

i'm prepared.

mentally.

not physically, but it's just sleep deprivation and aching muscles after all.

i can do it.


and now? play time!