firing squad. august 11th (part two)



spent three and a half hours waiting for tires.

left both cells at work, so i couldn't figure out how to get a ride, take public transit, or anything. i didn't want to pay for a cab. so i stayed.

and in hindsight, it was okay. i wrote for about two of the hours. and read for the half hour. i got a tan, and went to staples to buy a new spindle of cds to hopefully make mixes, as the two kinds i had wouldn't burn on either computer. and a new journal, because i'm nearing the end of this one.

how i love staples journals.

$1.99 on sale. smooth recycled paper made from sugarcane. recycled covers with pretty screened designs. this is number three. love love love.

then back to bj's where the tires were being done. bought some salad dressing. and some cooking spray for work. and some brownie mixes, as i mailed the last ones i had all over florida. and they are the best brownies on the planet, that i have found so far.

speaking of planet...

the dark sky star party registration is full. and i got neither a confirmation or a cleared check. so i have to assume that kit and i will not get to go. which kills me.

so i had a backup plan. a different star party the weekend before in west virginia.

hopped on that site today to look at it.

and it's $100 a person, because it's a five day, four night event.

can't do that.

fuck fuck fuck.

i was really looking forward to that. i wish i'd gotten the thing in the mail two days earlier. but i just couldn't because i didn't have money for it.

oh, well.

the other parties are closer to us, but further off on the calendar. i'm really really sad about the star party. i cannot explain how forward to it i was looking.

and then, the ever update for the day.

he did go to the bank today.

he did fix the account.

they did reverse his fees. so he put too much money in the account.

special. short bus variety.

i spent so much time writing today. i wrote about chalk. i wrote about ever. i wrote about my puppy daughter.

i was sad all day. i was sad yesterday, too. only it's the variety of sad that i can't pinpoint. or fix. or cry out.

i don't feel like crying. i know it's related to ever, because i didn't feel this way last week.

i think that maybe it's just realizing that i made a shit ton of mistakes that i can't fix now.

like moving out of the house. beating myself up for buying the house in the first place. like not being able to have my dog here. and realizing that the next time i see her, she might be dead. coming home to this apartment every day and wishing that i could move. wishing that i hadn't signed this lease. driving to work and feeling like i'm wasting my time.

and being angry. but the kind of angry that you can't beat pillows or scream about. the kind of anger that simmers and ruins you. because you realize that there's nothing you can do about any of it, really.

it's out of my control. and it makes me feel hopeless.

like i'm waiting on death row or something, as far as how things get divvied up in the divorce.

and it's all just stuff.

kenna told me before i even called it. she said, it's just stuff. don't worry about that. that's easy.

well, it's not easy.

i don't have much. and i've given more than i had to give to ever over the last seven years. and i feel like i'm whining and bitching and being a victim, but i don't want to give him any more.

i just want him to go away. and not take anything else from me. nothing that he doesn't deserve. nothing that he didn't work for.

i've had it. i don't want to think about it. or deal with it.

and i'm tired of feeling this way. it's so easy to put it aside and not think about it when there's exciting stuff going on, things to look forward to. but as i miss a star party, as i don't have sex, i realize that i have nothing to look forward to right now. not at work, not at home, not anywhere.

work is a nightmare.

i wanted to strangle my manager today.

i went through this process of finding people for her. it took hours and hours, both at work and at home after a long day. and i set them all up and confirmed with them all, interview times.

and she spent the afternoon bitching about the number of interviews. when the first person she interviewed was the one she wanted to hire.

she told me to call and cancel the rest for tomorrow, and the two for friday.

management 101: do not jump the gun. just because someone seems awesome, that doesn't mean that they are. i hired one person who interviewed really well, and the trial shift was even awesome. but when i let loose the reigns, he was an idiot and i fired him. i had the best employee, and after three years, she stole $3000. i hired someone fantastic who worked for a few weeks, and then quit without warning.

you can never be sure. and until i call references, i don't trust this person.

she's already working, for one. and for two, you just never know. she might be late her first day.

in any case, i told her i wasn't going to cancel them, because i need backup plans. and because i have two other positions coming up and i don't want to go through this later. because you can't call people and cancel and then call them back in a week and ask them to come back.


so frustrating.

and i was explaining to her all the reasons why she needs to do the next five interviews. and she was telling me that she wants this girl.

seriously? how thick headed are you? i just gave you five reasons why. and you still want to challenge me?

i intend to hire this girl that she loves. and then make her her boss.

fuck it.

i've had it.

and she isn't doing anything to help me, so whatever. when she does, she bitches.

last week, during all those long days, we pulled together. lauren and i were a team. and the manager just bitched about being tired while she walked out of the store, leaving early every day.

this week, there were three days where i needed the manager and dan to work two hour shifts at the store i normally close.

and they both were overly willing because they wanted hours.

and then, on monday, day one, both started complaining about how quiet it is and can we go home early and close early.


i hate laziness. and it was making pam crazy. because instead of asking me, they were both asking her to ask me for them.

GROW UP. they're both drama queens.

i've good a mind to get rid of them both with the top people they interview for me.

neither of them works hard enough for what i pay them. it's the caveat with overpaying your staff to get them to do occasional favors for you.

the manager has been warned.

and when she disappoints me, beyond today, i'm done with her.

and if she quits, then good riddance.


management 102: having to work doubles is better than having someone work against you. firing someone who makes your job harder sucks for a few days. but the breath of fresh air that you get when the new blood joins the team makes you forget all about it.

and i'm mostly sure that, when i demote her and put newbie in charge, she's going to quit.

and then dan will probably follow suit, because he's never satisfied and always looking for a better job somewhere else.

i learned that lesson with him a couple years back.

and yes, they're reliable. and yes, they're on time. and no, they don't steal.

but all the bickering and bitching and drama they put on me, via pam, or via each other, or via me, makes me loathe them.

i feel better.

being stuck alone and not being able to bitch about work at work really sucked today. i miss pam like crazy. we have so much fun together. she just comes in, does her job, laughs at everyone else's craziness, and goes home to her 'husband' and kid.

i need more of her. clone me, clone her. done.

this one pbr is not strong enough for what 'ales' me.

see how i did that?

i can still make stupid jokes when i'm angry and sad and frustrated.

this is my kick this week:

i'm up at 6 every morning. which sucks ass.

and i have been averaging 3 beers a day for longer than i'd like to admit.

waking up that early hurts enough, and i know that if i was doing that this week, i'd probably be late to work every single day.

so i gave myself a one beer maximum for this week. until friday when nate gets here.

monday, fine. last night, harder, but i did it.

tonight, i'm not feeling too sure. it's almost nine now, and i'm nearing the bottom of pbr numero uno. and i really want another.

but i also really don't want one more thing to be disappointed about tomorrow. or beating myself up about tomorrow. or hungover tomorrow.

fingers are crossed. i feel pretty weak right now.

here's to accountability...

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