angry. and lazy. august 8th.

how is it that ever keeps cropping up in my little brain?

since the text, i've spent too much time being angry at him, and trying to think of ways to not only get back at him, but also to exact revenge.

the thing is, pam and i have talked at work a lot about it. and her take is, 'you shouldn't leave the marriage with anything more than you came into it with'.

and that's what keeps getting to me.

since he's inquiring about the car, i'm mad about that. he didn't have a car coming into it. it was my car that got totaled, and mostly the money from my car that paid for the new one.

since he's being a tool, i just want to sell the house. so what i think i might do, propose to my lawyer, is to give him three options. i need to think about it a little more, but this is how it looks right now:

1. he stays in the house for six months, then we list it. we split it 50/50, after paying everything off.

2. he stays in the house for a year (april). he'll have made $12000 in rent by then, so the split would look more like 70/30. i need to crunch those numbers.

3. he stays in the house for two years (april). he gets the 10% that his income added to qualify us for the house.

that's the essence of it.

it's so unfair.

and i never wanted to be a nasty heartless bitch before.

but fuck him.

now i want my little pile of money.

now i want to have it sooner than later.

and now more than anything, i want to get as far away from interactions with him as possible.

i wish this was just a breakup.

i wish i hadn't gotten the house. or pushed for it.

i wish i'd had the foresight to know that we weren't okay. and that i needed to work all the money stuff out.

him keeping the rent threw me off. and now, if that is his 'income', then he shouldn't get half of it later. because he didn't put in half.

i hate him. i hate wasting time and thought on this.

i want my ignorant bliss back.

it was easier to be afraid of being caught somewhere with someone than it is to think about this.

i really think he's going to try to screw me when all is said and done.

and i hope my lawyer's good and doesn't overcharge me when he does.

i know that no lawyer in his/her right mind would look at our case and recommend a restraining order.

it makes me want to give him a reason to.

it makes me want to say, you know what? i have been missing out on things that make me sad to miss, and if you're going to be a fuckhead anyways, i'll just not miss out on them.

what lawyer would be so smart to tell him that anywhere that he is, in public, becomes his place of work? that's how i know he is lying.

maybe i'm just confused about how a restraining order works. maybe he's just trying to have something pop up that is linked to my name?

i'll be so glad when this is over. i just hope that it's sooner than later, because i'm over it.

i have no emotional turmoil from leaving him, and not being with him anymore. so how is it that i can be this upset and afraid about what he is going to think of next?

it's dumb.

other than that, kit and i went out last night. we walked all the way to center city, which didn't feel as bad as it sounded like it was going to feel.

we were trying to find this bar that she recommended for me to hunt boys. only we couldn't find it, went somewhere i'd been before. and there were no cute boys. until we were leaving. i was too full. miserably full. and couldn't even stomach the thought of a second beer after all the food i'd shoved down my gullet.

it was good, it was fun. but i ruined it by overeating.

we did find the pub on the way home. and i only glimpsed the preps inside. i was too tired, as was she, so we just left without paying the $2 cover to look around and think about a beer.

better for both of us. we went to bed early.

i don't know what this new trend is. i think i went to sleep at 1030 or 11 both friday and saturday.

i know i'll be short on sleep next weekend when nate is here and runs me ragged.

today he said he might bring adorkable with him. this is his main interest at one of his jobs.

i want to meet him. i hope he brings him. i figure two cuties will have a better chance of helping me with my little problem than just one, right?

i mean, what i see happening, is that i have all of my friends helping me. none of them mind or have to really put forth much effort. and i sit back and eventually enjoy the fruits of their labor.

i'm lazy i guess. i think the majority of the beauty of chalk is that he came to me. i didn't have to do anything. i just said yes.

plus, it helps to have a screening process, too. having lustful eyes tends to hide things that i'd like to be able to see. like warning signs. i tend to go completely blind when i have an interest. so the way i see it, it's like putting boys through interviews.

i'll figure out a way to make it worthwhile for anyone who makes more effort than me.

belated birthday brunch with alice.

i'm excited to see her and spend time with her. it's been a whole month.

we have great stories for each other, too.

i don't feel like doing anything today after that. and somehow i'm supposed to bake a cake and some banana bread at kit's. and i really don't feel like it.

life's rough...

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