a novel. january 19th.

yes, it's long. it's another letter, sent this time.

i was trying to accomplish a few things. first, he won't stop calling me. he won't stop calling my lawyer. he's bitching about things he has no right to bitch about.

the novel was my attempt to shut him up, shut him down, and get him to back off. to try to regain control over the situation.

i don't know that i accomplished that, due to the length of the rant.

but at least i know that i explained myself fully. and there's no going back, so i have to embrace it now.

'this is the deal.

i have tried to contact you via email since you started paying the mortgage late, and got no response from you until you called lawyer requesting a mediation.

lawyer sent you letters on three or more occasions asking you to contact him, and you chose not to.

you have had my phone number for the last ten months. and my email address.

and you chose not to use any of those times to try to communicate with either of us.

just because you are able to handle this right now and want to keep your mind off of other things and are ready to open the lines of communication this week, it doesn't mean that i can be there any time you can.

we aren't going to solve this overnight, and because i can't afford to take time off of work, when i was told that the hearing was continued yesterday, i made arrangements to work today, so i wouldn't miss another day of work. because i cannot afford to.

i emailed you on december 6th, asking what was going on, and why you were making the payments late. you didn't respond. you had already fallen a month behind at that point.

three months after that is not the time to admit that you're struggling.

i don't know why you didn't share this with me at that time, or before that, when the problem started.

i am open to trying to talk to you about this, so that we can be done with this part of our lives.

i wasn't going to talk to you until i got the number from my realtor, and she hasn't been able to find comps to give her an accurate listing price as of today.

she doesn't think that the $235k appraisal we had before is too far off, because of the declining market and the condition the house was in yesterday when we walked through, but has not given me a listing price as of right now. without that piece of information, i don't know if i can offer you any money at all. because i know that i thought it would come in higher than that, and i thought i'd be able to offer you something. but if i use $235k, it leaves me with a negative amount to offer you, and i need to figure out a way around that.

you want out. i understand that.

i don't want in, but i'm not willing to let the house go because you didn't communicate to me that you wouldn't be able to pay the mortgage and manage it.

had you told me, i'd have had time to plan for this news that you dropped on me last friday, regarding not having roommates, and not having the money for the mortgage payment. the last time we discussed the house, you were not willing to live there for less than two years, and wouldn't sign an agreement unless you had that much time in the house. you never said that you were willing to leave before the two years was up, or that you were having a hard time making it work, six months in.

i'm doing the best that i can, with the information you're deciding to hide or share with me, and sometimes it isn't honest or accurate, which complicates things further. it's hard for me to trust you when you're not being transparent, which is why i pay someone to look out for me.

you asked me yesterday if i was afraid to talk to you without lawyer being there.

and the answer is yes and no.

i'm not afraid, exactly.

but i also am not going to talk to you on the phone or in person without him there, because it's too hard for us to deal with each other that way, and the story tends to change, and i want someone to have my back.

i don't trust you right now, because you weren't honest about people living in the house. on friday, in front of lawyer, you stated that you had no roommates, and that you were in the house alone, and that was the reason why you weren't able to pay december's or january's mortgage yet. that it was manageable with roommates.

and when i told you i'd come through the house this weekend, you modified the story some time after that to include dude's girlfriend crashing there.

you didn't mention the fact that there were two other people living in there, who have obviously been there long enough to completely unpack, because there were no boxes anywhere. i found out when i walked in unsuspecting, and some random dude was walking around the second floor and you were not there, despite knowing and confirming with me, on the phone, at 345, that you would be there at 430 when i showed up.

it's not like they both moved in this weekend, after we spoke. paralegal's stuff has been there since april, even if he hasn't.

when we spoke in april, i told you to have leases, and to take deposits. you chose not to do that, and this is precisely what i was trying to avoid so long ago. i didn't want you to have to worry about people bailing on you and not paying rent, and i didn't want to have to worry about how you handled the house. rental agreements are there to protect you. and you left yourself unprotected, without a backup plan. without security deposits and last month's rent.

you mentioned yesterday that you have the money for the mortgage payment.

i don't know why you wouldn't pay it if you have it, and if the house is so full of people that you're living in the shop.

i don't want to feel like a fool because, on one hand you're telling me you can't fly home because the money is for the mortgage, but on the other, you're still not making the payment. you last paid on december 8th, and that was for november.

you also tried to sell me on the fact that i could essentially live there for $200 a month for homeowners, because of the two paying roommates. i told you that i didn't want to discuss this with you yesterday, because i thought it was inappropriate in light of your grandmother, and also because it was unprofessional to discuss this in front of my realtor.

what i didn't say was, if it's such a sweet deal, and i could live there and have it so easy, then why aren't you doing that yourself? isn't that what was going on the entire time i've been gone? that was how it was set up when i left and we talked about it.

how is it that you can't make the mortgage payment if you explained to me how i'd be living there for free last night when i was at the house? why are you trying to sell me on something when you can't make it work for you? why should i believe that it will work for me, when the mortgage is 48 days late?

part of the problem with the deal i'm offering you is that you would basically get handed a chunk of money, on top of all the rent you've been collecting since april, to do absolutely nothing else. to walk away, no strings attached and never have to think about it again.

you get to walk away from it and start over. you would be relieved of all responsibility. if you decide not to take that deal, then there's a lot to be done. and because of the time it will take to fix, clean, and organize the house to what it was when i left, it will continue to be more months of paying the mortgage and the homeowners, not to mention paying for repairs. and if it takes six months after the cleanup and repair phase to successfully sell the house, those are months that you would be on the hook for half of the payments. because there's no way to know how that will play out, it's basically peace of mind for you, knowing that it's not your problem. and it's a huge risk for me, because it might not sell for two more years. there is no way to know. but i'm giving you a way to not have to worry about that.

i know you will never see it this way, but i'm actually trying to help you.

if you want to make a clean break and start over, without paying another penny, this is the way for that to happen. i'm not going to get out of this easily. it's going to require spending more money that i don't have, and having my family come up and do more work, despite not being repaid what they've already sunk into it. i'll have to get a contractor to repair the things that ronald botched, and to address the garage and the basement issues.

i haven't talked to lawyer on the phone since before the mediation. and he is my lawyer. you have talked to him more than i have the entire seven months i've been working with him.

it's not appropriate for you to start making demands when the time is convenient for you. we have both tried to communicate with you for the last several months.

i'm really sorry that you wanted to have the hearing, and that it got continued. anyone else would be grateful to not have to deal with divorce hearings under the stress you're under. but instead you were angry about it.

i'm sorry that i couldn't afford to take a day off of work today after knowing it wasn't going to happen. i'm sorry that i can't pay another chunk of money out to my lawyer so you can talk, and then call you because you're ready.

just because you have time that you can pencil us in, it doesn't mean that we don't have other work to do. it doesn't mean that we can stop what we're doing because you had already planned to talk to us. i have to work to pay my bills. and as soon as i knew i could work today, i scheduled myself to work, so that when the hearing comes up, i can take that day off instead.

i told you that we can discuss this further when i have information from my realtor. i wasn't about to schedule a phone conference when i don't even have my offer together yet. there's nothing to talk about yet.

i'm not acting like a wounded animal. i was very clear with you yesterday what the plan was. i said i would call lawyer and ask him about talking to you without him. and that i would let you know what i wanted to do after i spoke to him. and you said you wouldn't call him, in light of the fact that i'm getting billed for that.

you changed the plan and called him and wanted a conference.

i stuck to my plan.

if i want a phone conference, i will save up the money to pay for it, and ask lawyer to schedule one.

or, you, as always, have the option to use your own contacts and resources to set one up with a different lawyer or mediator. and then you can be the person who dictates when we meet or when we talk, on your terms.

you said this summer that you had talked to three different lawyers, and that it was silly for me to pay for a lawyer, because you could get legal help for free.

maybe now is the time for you to do that. instead of trying to work with my lawyer, be proactive and set something up. then if i want lawyer to be a part of it, i can ask him to.

i'm trying to be amicable. and i realized today that you weren't understanding what i was saying, so i reiterated it in writing. i wasn't being bitchy or passive aggressive. i was letting you know why i didn't understand the text you sent me late last night, when i had just had a different arrangement with you five hours earlier. it didn't make sense to me.

i'm sorry if you felt like i was defensive and attacking. i was completely unaware that you even spoke to lawyer today, and getting upset with me for something i don't know anything about isn't going to help us get closer to a resolution. especially when you specifically said you would not call him.

i'm trying to work with you. and maybe the reason why you think i don't appreciate your help is because i didn't see it as being helpful. you changed the plan.

i am in just as big a hurry as you are to get this thing over with. which is why i spent the last seven months taking steps to get further. but you chose to ignore everything that got sent to you, and not respond to any of it.

but i'm not going to make hasty decisions that have huge price tags. we've done that enough to this point.

and if, when i am armed with the information that i need, you don't have a spare minute to hear what i have to say, then that is how it's going to have to be, and i will have to understand and respect that. it won't mean that you're being passive aggressive. it will mean that you have other obligations to tend to at that specific minute. and i will have to trust that you will let me know when you do have a minute.

if you would like to email me with whatever it was that you were eager to discuss today, i am all eyes and all ears. i encourage you to do that. copy lawyer on it, please.

to this point, more than once, you've made reference to seeing my cards without showing yours, and if you have something to reveal, then now might be the best time. if you have something that you want me to figure in while i'm still collecting information, then put it in writing, and i will think about it. if you have an idea that can fix everything, please tell me.

you said something at the mediation, about wanting to see my offer first. it's fine to be that way, but you also have the option of telling me what you're willing to take to walk away, instead of waiting for me to get in touch with you. if you are ready to start the negotiations before i am, then please start.

i just didn't have anything to discuss on the phone with you today, so i wasn't going to waste your time, or lawyer's time, or my money.

if you would like to share your ideas with me, then please send them in an email to me.

i'll send a separate email to you, explaining the aspects of the deal that i'm thinking about, so that if you haven't thought of them yet, you'll be able to sleep on it. if i can do it tonight, i will. but at the latest, i'll send the outline of the offer to you by tomorrow at 330pm, even if there isn't a specific offer price on it. if i have a figure from realtor, then it will have that as well.'

yeah, i know. long and drawn out. what's funny is that i edited that thing like four times.

i think i was tired and pissed. and it's been so long since i let him have it, that it was seven months worth of a bitchfest all in one email.

but fuckin a if i haven't gotten a text or an email from him.

the sympathy has run out for him. i felt bad for a day and a half. don't get me wrong, i feel for his family, absolutely. i have thought about it a lot.

but i have no slack to cut him. i have no patience for him being a pushy bastard.

i have still not called his mom. because i'm afraid she'll answer. i'm afraid she'll either think it's someone else or that she'll want to talk to me. i just want to leave a message that says, 'i just wanted to tell you that i'm thinking about you guys, and i'm sorry, and my family is praying for you'.

it would take ten seconds to say that. and i can't make myself do it.

i wonder if she'll finally move to canada now. she knew when her dad was sick, that he was not to be around much longer. and knew that her mother loved him so much that she'd go soon after. and that is exactly what happened. and she said that when it happened, she would move to canada to be with her boyfriend.

get away from it all, and have no reason to be tied to that town, because she hated it and all the family drama it brought into her life.

maybe she'll sell their house, and run off into the sunset.

she's had a hard life. it would be nice if she could do that.

see? perfect example. she was nothing but trouble for my marriage. she was always stirring up trouble. she was nice only when she went out of her way to be. she was overly dramatic any time she had a chance to be. yet, i still want her life to be easier. i don't wish this on her. i can't imagine losing both of my parents within a year and a half of each other, before i turned sixty. i don't know how i will survive that someday.

ever is a different story.

it's not that i wish this on him. but i want it to be a learning tool for him. i want him to realize that the boat he is in right now is one that he carved out for himself. his shortcuts are showing in the water the boat is taking on. and everything happens to be converging at once. i had to learn the lesson when i lived in tahoe. i was broke and far from home. and it was my great-grandmother who lived with my grandparents. and she died and i couldn't afford to get home, couldn't get out of working two jobs, and couldn't make it in time for the funeral. and i moved home a month later, because it was too hard for me to deal with.

if he would just WORK... he could do it.

i'm not the enemy. i mean i am, but i'm not being as evil as i could be. as i want to be most of the time.

this post is beyond long because of the novel email. but that's where i am today. every day it changes. sometimes between the time i'm at work and the time i get home. sometimes before and after the drive. sometimes between the time i get home and go to sleep.

this emotional rollercoaster is just out of control. i'm glad i have been able to lock down the crying. i just hate that i cried on the phone with him.

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