heart condition. january 22nd.

i write this, six days before i will most likely have to make a mortgage payment.

dad is sending money. which i will unfortunately have to use.

court is now february 7th, though i don't really see any point to it.

the thing is, a judge can order him to pay everything. but if he has no money to pay it, then what good is that?

then he goes to jail? then what?

all the good that will come of it is him being forced out of the house.

this is only if he doesn't accept the offer, which is not likely at this point.

i think he has now given me enough information to know that he will, in a way, have to.

and if the judge doesn't order him out of the house, then the hearing will be a good thing, because it will force him to pay the mortgage with the rent money.

you know, this whole thing is starting to suck a lot more for me. when i thought he was being a vindictive piece of shit, things were much easier to feel and decide.

and as i said in the last post, i know that is why i'm finding out about all of these things right now.

after the email about his medical bills, on the heels of the news of his grandmother, things escalated further when he emailed me last night, in response to my email of links that i sent to him, about insurance and jobs with health benefits.

this email was one for the books.

in it, he basically said thanks for the info, but that he is being denied insurance because he has preexisting conditions.

he needs heart surgery.

he is going down the road of his dad and his uncle, dead at 41 and 42. that one doctor gave him 4 to 7 years to live, and one gave him 5 to 7. so he has to have surgery to try to prolong that.


turns out we were right about the young widow thing. had i stayed, that would have been my future it would seem. i cannot fathom if i was still there. if i was still acting as his wife. i would have been devastated. heartbroken.

but as it is, it dazed me. genuine surprise. and i thought about it while i washed a sink full of dishes.

i didn't respond. i feel like i can't.

he was supposed to have his walkthru today. and she canceled. rescheduled for monday.

more time passes.

* * *

ever texted me to talk tonight.

i know the funeral was today, so i made myself available, but told him that i was about to leave, so i could only talk for a minute.

just to save myself.

it made my stomach hurt something awful.

but he wanted to talk when time wasn't limited, so he didn't call me.


it has now paid off twice.

to go out when i really don't feel like it. going to a show for the second time, alone, was fantastic.

i collected a bunch of hugs, which made me so glad that i went.

not to mention really fun pop punk music that people actually started a couple circle pits to.

and i was watching, and saw the guy who ever referred to as the one writing the article about the business, and including the divorce.

so between sets, i said hi.

and he gave me a hug and i asked if he's been busy. and he has. dj'ing and writing and show hopping.

he bailed, but it made me feel like i had done something that i was not thrilled with doing (talking to him) to remind him that i'm a good person, and that he shouldn't be writing an article smearing my name, if ever was being honest about any shred of that threat-veil.

so i left that show, after buying a shirt from cat's band, and a cd from the other good band who had a super hot lead boy. and left.

and went to ash's birthday party.

again, alone, and again, feeling like a fish out of water. i knew no one who was going, other than quinn saying she might go.

and i did the thing where i pretend i'm as good at making friends and small talk as i was way back when.

and it worked!

i met maybe four people that i talked with, over the course of an hour and a half.

and that was awesome.

i was definitely uncomfortable for a while.

but beer helped, and ashley was super accomodating.

and her friends were nice, so they started conversations with me.

one girl smiled at me a couple times and then came up to me and said, 'i'll introduce myself'. and we started talking.

she looked familiar to me. like my friend lo, in a way, i guess.

i felt like i had seen her before, but maybe she has one of those faces, because i do not know her, and she just moved her from jersey, so it's not possible.

but after a long time of talking to her, we were talking about living alone with intrusive landlords, and she said that she'd been living with her girlfriend for seven years, and they broke up. so i said i moved here married, same situation. living on my own for the first time at 33. she's in the same boat at 32.

not long after that, a bunch of people went for beer, because none had brought any. and i left when they left. only i didn't go back.

i'd had two beers, and had a long way to drive home, so i didn't want to stay for another. and i knew that if i stayed i'd need another.

about halfway through my time there, quinn showed up. in plaid hot shorts. and high boots.

i almost fell over.

it's like 20 degrees outside, tops.

she's such a hooker.

not really. but she thinks she is hot shit, and i can't stand girls like that.

it's a fucking house party. everyone there was wearing bulky wool sweaters. i was pushing it in my low cut wool sweater. but seriously, it was strange.

and i left and came home.

feeling proud for a few reasons.

one, i went to a show. despite the possibility that ever might be there. and he wasn't. and i knew people who i didn't want to run into. but i did. and they were nice to me.

two, i went to a party where i knew no one. and i got over my awkwardness and fear and started conversations up. not with any boys, but that's okay. one hurdle at a time.

three, i didn't cave to ever or let him ruin my night. i could easily have stopped what i was doing to field a call. and let him upset me, if that was what was meant to happen. i could have run late because i could have talked to him too long. i could have let him bum me out and not gone at all. instead, i made it clear i was going out, and limited my exposure to him and his drama or emotional dump or whatever it was going to be. i told him what i was limiting him to. and he chose not to take it on those terms.

because now, with him, i get to call the shots. and that is awesome.

he can ask. he can try. but my interaction is based on when i want to deal with him, and what i think i can handle.

so taking back some ground from the disaster of the cryfest last sunday was important. and i think i did that.

i look forward to sleeping in. if it wasn't so frostbite cold out, i'd go have one last cigarette. but i just can't make myself put that many clothes back on. it's retarded out there.

i smoked enough today. for not starting until 230, i managed to smoke so many. but it's nerves and social awkwardness i blame.

i decided a while ago to go to more shows. if i want to meet boys who like music like i do, squishy boys who are not from my circle, it's the best way.

and tonight was great. yeah, i stared at the boy onstage more than i eyed the rest of the room collectively, but that is okay. one thing at a time.

one day i'll stop pining for musicians who would never have time for me, unless i was in the band. and movie stars who are really good at pretending.

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