on the hook and wriggling. jan 20th.

it's just going to be a weird week.

i'm beginning to accept that.


i am overly emotional. i blame it on pms.

and ever.


i am not stupid. i can recognize when he is baiting me.

but at the same time, i feel myself getting caught up in it.


after the huge email i sent him, i guess i expected him to back off and stop communicating with me. maybe that is why i did it.

and after the offer i sent last night, i expected him to tell me to fuck off.

because instead of telling him, 'i'll pay you x amount of money to walk away', i said, 'as i see it, you would owe me 16k to walk away.'

it was a funny first offer to get the ball rolling.


so imagine my surprise when, a few hours after i sent that, i got an email back. but didn't know it.

until this morning at work.

and then this afternoon, getting a text thanking me for talking to his mom yesterday. i called her to tell her i was sorry and that they were on my mind, that i did what i could to get him home, and that my family was praying for theirs.

i did it with kit in the car with me, in case she picked up. i almost couldn't speak when she answered, because i knew exactly what to say when she let me go to voicemail. surprise!


so the thing is this. his facade is coming apart at the seams.

he was so strong before. doing so well. as he would make it appear to me. so smart. so much smarter than me.

and then, now, he's letting the cracks show.

he's admitting to things that he never would have before.


and like i said, i am fully aware that this is a well timed play on his part. and maybe i'm being too kind and too generous by thinking it's possibly subconscious on his part.

but as i'm about to offer him money to walk away, he is telling me about the problems in his life, financially.


he sent this email to me last night, saying that he in his problems because he had heart issues without insurance, and racked up $7k in debt from seeing cardiologists. two who told him to leave their office and go to the er.

and he was saying that when he felt like he was going to die, and the doctor told him that it was likely, he had to take meds and go to visits, and it got expensive.

and that this is the first time he has been able to deal with it. that it probably also took me seven months to be able to leave after i thought of it. that he's been stuck in the failed marriage aspect of it.


and said that if he had any resources he would have used them by now. and that he's trying to pay the mortgage but is waiting on a check to arrive.

which was always the case when i was there.

and which means that, more likely than not, because no one pays him in a timely fashion, that i will end up paying it and make him pay me back.

and, yes, i'd get that in writing.


i had already anticipated having to pay this one. because it is so dangerously close to the foreclosure shit that i just can't imagine him pulling it together in time. or, before this week, because i thought he was doing it intentionally. whatever.


so.

here i am.

i spent the day at work today, thinking about him more. about his family and his grandma, and now about his health.

and it's like he is completely aware that i'm the one who fixes broken things. i'm the one who wants to make everything better.

and it's like he knows i hate him, but at the same time, that came second to my fucking NATURE. to do these things and think this way without being aware that i'm even doing it.


so whether he's playing out a well strategized hand here, or he just happened to get lucky with what he was dealt, by sharing it with me at this point in the road, i keep finding myself wanting to fold.

not literally, with the divorce stuff or the negotiation.

but in the way that i keep wanting to stop being an asshole to him. and the fixer inside of me wants to give him advice.


god, i hate this.

i'm so glad i'm going to the shrink this week. i think on tuesday.

she's going to have a fucking heyday.

and i hope like hell she can talk some sense into me.

this is why i have her.

to keep me on track.

to keep me from old bad habits.

to keep me from falling into the same traps.

to keep me from falling for the same codependent shenanigans.


i hope she can say the magical thing that will make me go, 'oooooooh, riiiiiight.'


i want this phase to end.

i hate feeling weak.

i hate feeling like i'm losing ground.

i hate feeling like the hate is fading and being replaced with sympathy and empathy.

because it's so much easier to hate him and write him off than to feel sorry for him for the problems he has made for himself.


i told nina tonight. i bet he wishes he could go back in time, like me. only he would go back to a couple years ago. when i told him to treat me like a wife. to get a job. to take a shower and to clean up after himself. to start acting like a man. because i didn't want to be a mom, or i would have had a kid.

i bet that now, in hindsight, he sees the error of at least a few of his ways. which seemed like he would never get until years from now.

because if nothing else, he had it fucking made. i enabled him and took care of him. and having to fend for himself without a bankroll and a sugarmama can't be fun. six months in, he's giving up. and it took a year for me to.

i bet it's all so clear to him now.


and the cliches flow. because he made his bed empty. and now he's going to have to lie in it.

and i will hope that i find some backbone. to not cave to how i want to help him. and just let it go.